"Whatever happens, if you act from the heart, you can't make a mistake.”--Renee Russo from the Movie "Tin Cup"
Misleading is the heart of any person. We are often mislead into all sorts of relationships, activities and even financial decisions because of "our heart wants what our heart wants". My heart wants things that will clog it up real good and kill me. My heart has wanted to be in relationship with people that will only hurt it. What is this heart thing? How does this affect my choices of who, when, and how I go about a relationship?
Determining your motivation and motives for entering a relationship(the hopefully, serious, romantic with long term implications) has this tension of give/get attached. You know, the desire to be loved and to love. That balance is hard to find and maintain. We all have the need to be in relationship, we don't like to be alone, we all want someone who is committed to us and thinks the best about us. We also like to be needed, that feeling of that we matter to someone, that we are important to them, that we are helpful, fillers of need. We all have tendencies to either be more givers or more needers. Nice English, eh?
The Needers when entering a relationship, are looking through a lens of seeking fulfillment in another person. To the needer, there is something missing that must be filled. They usually don't even notice that they are making really bad choices for themselves because the desire to be loved is so powerful. What ends up happening is that the very things you value, believe above all else become secondary to being in a relationship. Boundaries, morals, and standards become quite fluid when confronted with the choice to say something or go along with what is going on. We can get ourselves to rationalize just about anything if we want it bad enough. Cynical? Maybe, but I know what I am capable of, and I have seen it over and over in others too. For the power of need/filling/getting/companionship/hope is totally intoxicating. No one likes being alone, no one likes feeling nothing is ever going to change.
The Givers sound so noble and selfless. Givers love to give but generally are not very good at receiving or even trust in the receiving of good things. We all like to make people happy. We all desire to be special to someone, giving them what no one else can. The trouble with being a giver is that it is so easy to give with strings attached. Giving to get is not giving. Nor is keeping score which also is so easy to do. Givers can be pleasers in the sense that if I keep giving, then things will be cool, or if I keep giving I won't lose this relationship. Givers have a tough time with the initiative/response way of doing things. If you remember in a previous post, the best relationships function on the mutual initiative(give)/response. You take turns without keeping score. Givers like to initiate, and when there is either no response or the response is not quick enough they internally panic and give some more. True giving is to give without the thought of return. Like a gift. A gift is not a gift if there are expectations attached to it. Receiving is a humbling experience but it is good for the soul.
The heart wants love, which there is no problem with that. How the heart wants to go about it, is another matter.
Shawn
The first example is extreme co-dependancy and the second is it's enabler. Both are sick. No balance Now in our family, it existed and could function. When there is no anchor of values, goals or God, it's a brush fire popping up here and there distracting reason and using emotion to put these fires out. I have survived two families where this co-dependant tyrrant rule destroyed what is God's intention. Therefore co-dependants are my enemy. They put their emotions-fears-insecurities to be served by the relationship way ahead of God.
ReplyDelete