A Male's Eye View of the Life of Guys, Part 2

“Men have this anti-intimacy force field around them. It is powered by sarcasm, humor, and aversion.”--Jonathan Tucker from the Movie 100 Girls

 

The above quote perpetuates a stereotype of men being anti-intimacy.  Intimacy has to do with emotional openness, closeness and connection(not sex or physical intimacy which we all know men are all about).  To gain that kind of emotional connection with women, feelings have to be understood, embraced, trusted(to a point) and expressed.  Men have lots of feelings but are poorly practiced at understanding them, embracing them, trusting them and expressing them.

Why so poorly practiced?  Because men, in friendships with other men, those men don't require or want that kind of connection.  We grow up for the most part, not really developing the emotionally expressive side our persons.  It is there.  It needs development but too often, that development does not happen until men get married and are confronted with another person that ask, needs and requires more than they are accustomed to giving. 

 

Us guys, to generalize, are uncomfortable with our feelings.  If you have ever seen a guy who is in love, I am mean really in love(not being a player), you see the feelings gushing out.  Until that point, we are unsure of what we are doing, or feeling.  We try to think about and analyze the relationship in terms of a+b=c when relationships, love, intimacy, etc... can't always be put into a box or mathematical equation.  What is our next step?  What do we do next?  Some men go way too fast because their feelings are overwhelming them and they are not thinking but just expressing.  No filter.  After two outings(sorta dates) some guys are thinking long term.  I mean really long term.  Why?  Because they are drowning in a sea of feelings and have not learned to swim.  Some other men are way less proactive and transparent.  Passive, playing defense, let her make the moves then I will react sort of guys.  They have feelings but are afraid or stuck to act on them.  These guys are all filter.  Maybe it is their temperament(shy, reserved), maybe they have been rejected(the worst thing possible), so they play it so safe they are impossible to connect to. 

 

Women, by nature live in a world of competing, paradoxical feelings 24/7.  What I mean is that women are more used to feelings and living with them than men.  We have to turn on the feelings switch, women have to turn it off.  It's where women live, men go there for the weekend.  Get the difference?  Also remember, guys like doing things that they know they are good at.  Feelings, talking and taking risks that could get them rejected are not those "things" they like to do.  Regardless, men need to learn how to be whole people.  Action, doing and feelings, connectible all at the same time. 

 

I have omitted a group of guys...the players.  They know how to get what they want.  They flirt, talk, charm, lie, play the "bad boy" basically manipulate.  If you don't have boundaries, you are doomed ladies.  Wait and see, time tells all.  Anyway...back to nice guys.  Shy guys have lots of feelings, must be drawn out.  Emotional guys express themselves usually all over the place and too much too soon.  You have to sift through what they say and help them channel their ideas.  Either way, guys have tons of feelings, desire closeness and can be emotional.  We are just out of practice, not broken.

 

Shawn

A Male's Eye View of the Life of Guys, part 1

"All a man needs in this life is someone to love.  If you can't give him that, give him something to hope for. If you can't give him that, give him something to do.”--Scott Michael Campbell from the Movie "Flight of the Phoenix"

I love the above quote.  I think it sums up a very general definition of what makes guys tick.   Love/Relationships, Hope/Potential, and Problem Solving/Doing seems like a good place as any to start.  Oh how we guys like doing stuff, chopping, burning, building, fixing, growing, playing, all you need to do is look at a bunch of 3 year old males and see all the activity.  We also can envision the future, dream and hope that we can make a better way for ourselves and those around us.  Love is elusive and confusing but when you see a guy who is IN LOVE, boy, is he a goner it is so obvious. 

So I am going to try to explain some key elements of maleness from my perspective as a male.  The first thing that strikes me about being a male is how we love to talk about what we are doing, have done and will do.  Ladies, you really need to observe a small group of 11 to 13 year old males clumped together.  When they are not doing but talking, you would hear them tell each other about something.  Guys don't talk well but we can sure are tellers.  These youngsters will be telling each other what they did as individuals, one upping each other with stories of how they almost died, or stories of how they broke their arm, or stories of how cool some new thing(car, bike, TV show, movie, sports thing, gun, fireworks, you get the idea) is.  They all share some sort of exploit which is either met with a put down(not always seen as a bad thing) or an approving nod or grunt then on with another story.  This is male communication.  We love to talk about stuff, we love to tell you stuff but we don't like telling anyone what we are thinking or feeling.  If we do share feelings, it is usually anger or enthusiasm. 

As we get older, we realize that we need to learn to listen and ask questions if females will spend any kind of time with us.  Females in general, ask weird questions, like 'what are you thinking about right now?' or 'what are your feelings on....?'  We want others to like what we do and listen to all the things we are doing, will do and have done.  We as males absolutely don't like any activity that we don't do well at like...sharing our feelings especially if we are sad, dancing or sports, or school, or socializing or whatever it is.  Unless...we can make fun of it while we are doing it.  We attach too much of our self-esteem to being good at something but is really important for us to be good at something.  Some guys will sacrifice relationships and family for the sake of building a career, a business, whatever because the pull to be good at something and doing it really is our catnip. 

I know that I am dealing in a broad generalization here but I really believe that for 90% of all males this doing thing is a big issue.  You want to see a guy that has no confidence?  I will show you a guy who isolates himself, has no ambition, and lack focus.  A passive male is a guy who is afraid to make a mistake, or thinks he can't do anything right.  I have been a passive person before, and I know that I lacked a lot of confidence to accomplish much of anything.  I was also deathly afraid of failure.  Fear of failure can paralyze you or drive you.  It depends upon your confidence level.  If there is one thing a man needs to build his confidence is affirmation.  Most guys don't know this.  But affirmation is the fuel that drives confidence(and experience helps too).   It gives us the courage to try, to do, to keep doing.  Affirmation helps to develop our identity...what we do well.  Left on our own, we would have little idea of what we are good at unless someone told us.  Someone we respect or desire their respect tells us we are good, then we are good. 

Affirmation is for everyone but guys need it if you want them to be confident doers, fearless risk takers and productive partners.  Ladies and parents...please take note.

Shawn

Regarding Parent(s), Part 3

“Home was an increasingly difficult concept for me.” --Luke Wilson from the Movie "Middle Men"

 

For many people, home, family, Dads, Moms and childhood was not a good experience.  On varying levels, many people had difficulty with their relationships with their parents especially.  Let's be honest, parents can do some serious damage to their kids.  Everything from physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, being too protective, not being protective enough, codependent, neglectful, controlling, manipulative, inconsistent and the like.  This kind of stuff is not a one time occurrence in the bad parent-child relationship, it is a pattern of living, a lifestyle that wounds, hurts and destroys.  There are lesser forms of bad parenting which can even be unintentional.  You don't have to have extreme experiences in childhood for a negative effect in adulthood.  This final installment on Regarding Parents has to do with anger and blame.

 

Regardless of the specifics of your childhood experience, we all have a choice to make as adults.  Do we live in reaction to the parenting we received or do we live in light of the parenting we received.  What do I mean?  Feel unloved by your parents?  You will not find it in another person enough to fill that which is lacking.  Feel worthless?  You won't find enough worth in relationships/accomplishments/money etc...Can't get the approval you want from your parent(s)?  You won't get it even if you do everything perfect.  Why?  You are chasing ghosts.  You are trying to address issues that cannot be successfully addressed purely on the motivation/direction that the lack of parenting provided you.  You are addressing the issues of your parents.  They are not changing.  You are living in reaction.  Discovering why you want to do or be whatever is super important to understand.  Carrying hatred, anger and bitterness is only self destructive and doesn't change what happened.  Hatred/anger/bitterness is the type of stuff that ends up controlling you. 

 

Living in light of the parenting you have received is to move on.  Sure there are scars.  You need to be aware of them.  You choose your direction, not the leftover feelings of past events.  How are you supposed to choose?  By not being afraid to dig through the rubble of what you thought your childhood was.  By allowing yourself to be open to talking about, making sense of, exploring your childhood experiences.  No openness?  Then you will have no ability to move on and live life on your terms.  You need to know the cause and effect relationship of the feelings/messages received/experiences you had.  For the most extreme experiences, see a counselor. 

 

Now, not everybody sees their childhood as a big stumbling block.  There is plenty of good parenting out there, and not all parents are doing such bad things.  One sure sign though that your childhood is controlling your adulthood is the nature of your relationships.  Who are they?  What do you do together?  How many relationships?  The how and the why of their endings?  No significant relationships?  Why?  Are you willing to self evaluate?  Are you defensive?  These are the ways to tell where you are at with the parents/childhood thing.  The question is...do you really want to know?

 

Shawn

 

Regarding Parent(s), Part 2

"Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet." --Bill Cosby

 

Funny quote from a person with a funny perspective on children and parenting.  Just for the record, parents I believe have a huge influence on their children both for good and not so good.  It isn't because parents are evil or anything, they are human and therefore are not at all perfect, have their issues but they have great qualities too.  Either way, for good or for bad, what our parents have said, done, not said, not done has it's effect on us.  Someone once said, "more is caught than taught" in the sense of learning from our parents.  I believe it is critical to understand our flavoring from the person or person we call our parents.  

 

Part 2 of Regarding Parent(s) is about the minimizer's and people in denial over how they were raised.  To minimize is to treat reality/truth/feeling as less than important.  To say "I am my own person, my parents are who they are/were my childhood has no effect on my adult life" is to minimize the impact of parenting.  Denial is to say "sure my dad was an alcoholic but it had no effect on me, then or now".  Not being willing to make a connection with the past says a lot.  Treating our childhood experience as "no big deal", "typical", or "uneventful" is to deny or minimize the experience.  A lot of stuff happened.  Whether your parents were "good" or "bad" or in between, events, values, affirmations(both positive & negative) occurred that flavor you today. 

 

Why do we need to know our flavorings?  Because linking some of our experiences from childhood helps us to understand some of the relational patterns, feelings, and our perspective on ourselves that we carry.  And we carry these flavors right into relationships of all kinds.  But since I am only concerned with the type of relationship that is long term(marriage), that is why it takes on importance.  Not wanting to understand yourself and how you operate, is like driving a car blindfolded.  You don't know what's wrong until you hit something.  And when you hit something, you do damage to yourself and others.  Also, if you are considering someone for the long term and they are not interested in understanding themselves and how they operate, well then, how are you then going to relate to them on a deep level?   What if they struggle with confidence?  Or fear?  Or Pride?  Those feelings when they control a person, controls their relationships too.  It is good to know where those feelings come from.

 

To deny that "nothing happened" or "it was not that bad", or even "that was then, this is now" is to not be real, honest, and choosing to blind yourself to the facts of much of who you are.  In denying/minimizing you are not evaluating your life.  Childhood is part of life, to separate it, compartmentalize it, is like not telling your whole story.  I would want to know the whole story and it's implications.  I would want someone to know my whole story with what I thought was the implications.  If I am seeking a life partner, I need to know them.  All of them.  From the beginning.  Who starts a story from the middle?  Context in relationships is everything. 

 

Shawn

Regarding Parent(s), Part 1

"If you live your life angry at your parents, you’re only hurting yourself.”--Drew Barrymore from the Movie "Lucky You"

The common denominator for all of us is we have parents.  Biological, non-biological, alive, dead, old, young, healthy, sick, good or bad, we have them.  Our parent(s) influence on us is a reality whether we believe it or not.  Understanding the deeper impact of this reality on our lives as adults is of the utmost importance in relating to others socially, professionally, and romantically/long term/maritally.  So too, for the person you are dating, in relationship with, and who is under consideration for long term relationship.  If you are married, you and your spouse's perspective on how each of you were influenced by your parents can unlock a deeper understanding of your marriage and relationship.  There are three types of perspectives to look out for that I want to talk about here, the blind/or inexperienced, the minimizer's/denial people, and the angry/blamers.

First the blind or inexperienced person perspective on their parents.  It takes time and some experience to live freely as an adult to see your childhood and the parenting your received in a different light.  Time has a way of letting things develop like patterns.  Decision making, values and direction will all come to light in time.  Until we begin to see patterns develop, have experience dealing with problems or obstacles, it will be hard to gain perspective in general.  Experience is a great teacher.  Personal experience in life gives us a style of living to compare to our parents.  It may be similar, it may be different, it may be a reaction to our parents.  You won't know until you lived a little.  You don't have to be old chronologically to have experience in life.  How does this relate to our perspective on our own parents?

Again, time and patterns develop.  By nature, parents, well...parent.  It is hard for them too, to transition their parenting style as you get older.  You will receive parenting as an adult and their style of parenting will be very much the same style of parenting you received when you lived in their house.  If they are fearful parents, then fearful parenting, if they are distant, distant parenting, if they are controlling, controlling parenting.  The difference is that you have new eyes in which to see, freedom to choose, freedom to disagree, freedom to speak, freedom to distance your self if needed.  They can't turn off their issues, they will be made known.  Now it is up to you to apply both the great things your parents have given you and learn from the not so great things they gave you(either intentionally or unintentionally).  

Being blind or inexperienced is not a crime.  It is just that, when in a serious relationship, I think it is best that both people are either blind/inexperienced or both have experienced perspective on their parents and the effect it's had on them.  It can be frustrating for the blind person in relationship with the experienced person because they seem so negative about their childhood/parents.  Likewise, the experienced person is frustrated with the blindness of their partner as they can see the parental issues but the other person can't. 

We all need to know our own parents in reality, the good and the bad so that we can know how we are flavored and that we can treat our parents with respect, affirming the good they have done, and speaking into some of the flaws which will create conflict.  We need to know ourselves as much as possible so that we can relate to our friends, significant others, and our spouses appropriately, safely in a balanced way.  Finding  perspective on the effects of how you were raised will save you lots of grief and bring you much happiness in relationships and in life.

Shawn

The Heart Wants what the Heart Wants, Part 3

"she will you look at you and smile, and her eyes will say, she's got a secret garden, where everything you want, everything you need will always stay a million miles away"--Bruce Springsteen from the song "Secret Garden"

If you ever get the chance, you should listen the the song I quoted.  Very haunting sort of song.  I have always taken the song to mean as someone trying to love/connect with another but the other person won't let them in all the way to their heart.  In our last installment of 'the heart wants what the heart wants', I would like to throw this idea out there that for many people, their heart wants to be protected at all costs.  Even people who are really outgoing and proactive can hold back a lot of themselves.  Obviously, you don't want everyone to be that close.  But when you spend most of your energy trying to weed people out or protect your heart, it can become quite difficult to get yourself to "let down your guard" even if you want to. 

Every body's heart wants to be free from pain/rejection/betrayal/abandonment/disappointment.  It's that conflict of wanting love but very afraid to reach out to get it.  As one wise person from my past said to me, "if you want that piece of fruit, you got to go out on the limb to get it".  Depending upon your previous experiences or the temperament you were born with, self-protection is what your heart wants.  You put up barriers, boundaries(not necessarily a bad thing) and obstacles for anyone who attempts to reach your heart.  You have to control the when and where of any relationship and you decide the outcome. 

There are couple of ways to deal with people that help with the self-defense method of living.  Diversion(see any Hogan's Heroes episode) where you are someone else.  You play a part, wear a mask and adapt to the environment to create a character that is not you but socially acceptable.  Sometimes it really works to be really outgoing.  Sometimes it works better to sit back and not say much.  Either way, the real you gets lost in the shuffle.  The other method is isolation/disconnect where you limit interaction with people in general because when you are alone, no one is going to ask anything of you.  Disconnect is to be in a room of people and sit outside the action, trying to be low key. 

Of course these are bit extreme but I have run across many people like this and they have their reasons.  Unfortunately for them, making yourself vulnerable is the doorway to receiving love and to giving love.  So the tension persists of wanting love but very afraid to do anything about it because it is too risky.  Their heart wants guarantees, the sure thing, and above all else...safety.  They search for the perfect match but I would hope they would ask themselves at some point, is the perfect match truly perfect?  There are no guarantees in life but risks and hope. 

Shawn

The Heart Wants what the Heart Wants, Part 2

"Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough."-George Barnard Shaw 

 

I don't know about you, but I think that the heart wants what it wants right now.  Not later, not maybe, but now.  For those of us with anxious hearts(everybody), when it comes to desiring to be in a relationship, the time is usually now.  We have all been trained by advertising/capitalism/consumerism, that the time is now for you to get what you want.  That is what makes America great and not so great.  Unfortunately, now does not translate very well into gaining the type of relationships that we all deeply desire. 

 

I was never good at waiting.  Call it youngest child syndrome, call it impatient, call it what you will but I was never good at waiting for things to happen.  I was always more comfortable trying to make things happen.  In certain leadership functions that is a good thing.  In relationships, not always a good thing nor a good idea.  Moving too fast will get you into all sorts of trouble or really open you up for disappointment.  Like I have said before, initiate and WAIT for a response.  Us anxious people have a tough time waiting.  We would prefer to push.  If you are pushing a person who is more, let's say, deliberate with their thinking and feelings, you just might push them into dates, outings, and relationships that they are not too sure they want to do.  If you wait on responses and let time pass, regardless of what type of person you are dealing with, you will know what you got. 

 

Some of us are doers and some of us are processors.  Doers are quick to decide and even quicker to act.  Our actions often come before thinking deeply, and risks are accepted.  Processors take much more time to think, feel and act, if they act at all.  They may just get stuck processing and not do anything.  So you have an anxious doer/risk taker trying to have a relationship with a process oriented person and their heart is saying "let's weigh the pros and cons", while your heart is saying "let's do this thing, now"!  Now is always better than later(not really), but it feels that way to the anxious heart. 

 

Waiting allows for you to know the other person.  Waiting allows for you to let your feelings dissipate(perceived chemistry/magic/attraction).  Waiting allows you to think more about what you are doing.  Waiting allows for the other person to respond one way or the other.  Waiting, hopefully weeds out wrong motives for being in a relationship(desperation, insecurity, fear of being alone).  For divorced people, waiting can make a huge difference in your process of figuring out your life and feelings.  

 

Take it slow, it is better that way.

 

Shawn

 

 

The Heart Wants what the Heart Wants, Part 1

"Whatever happens, if you act from the heart, you can't make a mistake.”--Renee Russo from the Movie "Tin Cup"

 Misleading is the heart of any person.  We are often mislead into all sorts of relationships, activities and even financial decisions because of "our heart wants what our heart wants".  My heart wants things that will clog it up real good and kill me.  My heart has wanted to be in relationship with people that will only hurt it.  What is this heart thing?  How does this affect my choices of who, when, and how I go about a relationship?

Determining your motivation and motives for entering a relationship(the hopefully, serious, romantic with long term implications) has this tension of give/get attached.  You know, the desire to be loved and to love.  That balance is hard to find and maintain.  We all have the need to be in relationship, we don't like to be alone, we all want someone who is committed to us and thinks the best about us.  We also like to be needed, that feeling of that we matter to someone, that we are important to them, that we are helpful, fillers of need.  We all have tendencies to either be more givers or more needers.  Nice English, eh? 

The Needers when entering a relationship, are looking through a lens of seeking fulfillment in another person.  To the needer, there is something missing that must be filled.  They usually don't even notice that they are making really bad choices for themselves because the desire to be loved is so powerful.  What ends up happening is that the very things you value, believe above all else become secondary to being in a relationship.  Boundaries, morals, and standards become quite fluid when confronted with the choice to say something or go along with what is going on.  We can get ourselves to rationalize just about anything if we want it bad enough.  Cynical?  Maybe, but I know what I am capable of,  and I have seen it over and over in others too.  For the power of need/filling/getting/companionship/hope is totally intoxicating.  No one likes being alone, no one likes feeling nothing is ever going to change. 

The Givers sound so noble and selfless.  Givers love to give but generally are not very good at receiving or even trust in the receiving of good things.  We all like to make people happy.  We all desire to be special to someone, giving them what no one else can. The trouble with being a giver is that it is so easy to give with strings attached.  Giving to get is not giving.  Nor is keeping score which also is so easy to do.  Givers can be pleasers in the sense that if I keep giving, then things will be cool, or if I keep giving I won't lose this relationship.  Givers have a tough time with the initiative/response way of doing things.  If you remember in a previous post, the best relationships function on the mutual initiative(give)/response.  You take turns without keeping score.  Givers like to initiate, and when there is either no response or the response is not quick enough they internally panic and give some more.  True giving is to give without the thought of return.  Like a gift.  A gift is not a gift if there are expectations attached to it.  Receiving is a humbling experience but it is good for the soul. 

The heart wants love, which there is no problem with that.  How the heart wants to go about it, is another matter.

Shawn

The Broken Heart, Part 2

"And this is our last time we will be friends again, I'll get over you, you'll wonder who I am, And there is this burning like there has always been, I've never been so alone and I've never been so alive"-Third Eye Blind "Motorcycle Driveby"

Like I mentioned in my previous post that I have been married before and it ended with me wondering what happened and not wanting it to end.  As a result, my heart was broken and I had to deal with the overwhelming feelings that are associated with such an event.  The above mentioned song helped me to feel some of the different aspects of a broken heart.  There is a finality to the lyrics and yet, I read some hope, that I would "get over you".  Not only that but a new feeling of being alive to the whatever the future brought stirred in me hope when everything felt hopeless.  We are all different people, and we deal with hard things in our own way but I have a few tips that might help. What do you got to lose, when you feel like you lost everything, right?

Friends are key to helping you move through and and move on from a severed relationship.  It can be as simple as just spending time somewhere else other than your half empty(in my case) or filled with memories home.  Having somewhere to be can make you feel like you have a life even if it someone else's house.  You don't even have to talk about "it".  Sometimes your friends need to come get you.  I have been there.  You just don't know how to go about making plans so you need friends who are bold in inviting you to get out of your home.  Nothing fancy, or super social, you can tell them.  Just invite me somewhere.  Obviously, friends are great to vent to, or process thoughts and feelings.  I would only try to do this with your closest of friends face to face if possible.  It is just better, trust me.  Beware of the friends who completely agree with you all the time and tell you only what you want to hear.  You don't need critics either but a little resistance to your emotional ideas will save you lots of grief and self respect. 

Do stuff you like to do.  One of my favorite things when I was single and had time to burn was hop in my car, get some snacks, and some carefully selected CD's and drive.  Go somewhere for the day.  Get outside, weather permitting, go see something in nature, the ocean, the mountains, whatever as long as it is far away.  I am not outdoorsy, but even I have found tremendous value in nature.  Stay away from drinking and "nightlife", it will only make things worse in the short and long term for you.  If you can, travel.  If you can, go visit someone you have not seen in a while. I found that spending time away from the routine helps.  Working out is another helpful option, it helps with energy levels, and makes you feel good.

Being able to be alone.  At some point, you are going to have to piece together the stuff you want to do, and the stuff you need to do without considering your significant other.  This to me is the test of when you are ready to possibly move on.   Everyone needs to practice being an total individual again.  Remember, you are not used to having so much free time, or not used to not considering the schedule of another.  If you are divorced, this is so key to regaining your individual identity.  You need time to figure out what you like and don't like.  Things have changed since you were first married and now your world is bigger and needs to be explored a little bit. 

Warning signs for a broken heart are, can't stand to be alone, clinging to friends as if they are life rafts, drinking, drinking alone, drunk calling, rebound "relationships", staying at home and never going out, sending emotional emails or texts to your ex, spying on your ex, bugging people who know stuff about your ex...etc...

Everyone is different, the above suggestions are totally from my style of doing things so take that under consideration. 

Shawn

The Broken Heart, Part 1

"But the plans I make still have you in them, then you come swimming into view, and I am hanging on your words like I always used to do...I only know this because I carry you around in the background"-Third Eye Blind from the song "Background"

This song takes me back to a time in my life where I was confronted by my own broken heart over the end of my first marriage.  I would listen to this song over and over along with another couple songs from this CD because someone was putting into words what I felt.  I think many of us have been there.  The broken heart is a tricky thing to deal with because of all the feelings it dredges up that overwhelm us.  In fact, being overwhelmed by emotion, feeling, circumstances or whatever, is a very uncomfortable place to be.  By nature, we don't like it, because it is that scary feeling of being out of control of how you feel and not being able to stop it through the usual tactics we use. 

Some of us will do anything to keep from feeling anything deeply.  We don't trust our feelings, we don't trust ourselves with what we do with all those overwhelming feelings.  Denial is a great tool for trying to convince yourself that nothing is wrong or it's no big deal.  Minimizing is a great tool to suck the deeper meanings and lessons to be learned from this experience.  Self medication has a large medicine cabinet with many socially acceptable options and many not socially acceptable options.  Nobody wants to feel pain, rejection, and for some humiliation(especially if you been cheated on) so we try to numb the brokenness. 

Others of us don't mind sharing our feelings with ANYBODY.   You know those uncomfortable social situations where you ask a person one question and they tell you way too much about their break up.  I would not say these people(myself included) are enjoying their broken hearted experience but they really seem to like talking about it.  In any one conversation(usually one way), you will hear statements of blaming the other person who left and personal responsibility, anger/forgiveness, hate/love, counter rejection/wanting them back, thus is the lot of the broken hearted, conflicted.  Unfortunately, the "sharers" as I will call them also are more overt in their attempts at numbing the pain. 

After all the other feelings comes self-doubt.  Am I lovable?  Do I have the ability to love someone?  Will I have another opportunity?  Do I want to risk to try again?  Self doubt is a crippler to growing out of a broken heart.  Doubt is a feeling/belief about oneself that no one outside of you(except God) can change.  Sure, people can speak into your life and help with your perspective(like this blog), but it's on you to choose.  Which leads me to the next blog post, part 2 will be about navigating the brokenness.

Shawn

Loving and Being Loved, Part 2

"For When I am Weak, then I am Strong"--Apostle Paul from 2 Corinthians 12:10-the Bible

The above quote is not how we operate.  Paul came to understand this principle over time through making himself vulnerable to God.  Yet, outside of the Bible and in our experience this quote has much merit when it comes to vulnerability in a relationship.  It is not so much a position of power if you admit or are weak.  In a relationship, by admitting needs, hurts and dreams you can make a relationship strong.  Pretending to be strong when you are weak, weakens the relationship.  Closeness and intimacy grow out of vulnerability.  And who doesn't want that in a relationship?

To admit need is not culturally(in America) acceptable.  One of the foundations of American thought is to be independent.  Our economy is based on the fact that you can buy stuff so you won't have needs.  Through consumerism and the false sense of security that money, a nice house, a fancier car, and technology brings, has so flavored our perspectives that it is hard to break away from self-existence.

So it is counter intuative to express or communicate need.  People do express their needs but usually when it is too late or life&death because it becomes obvious.  In a relationship, expressing needs is not easy at all.  Of all the people in your life you want to like you or admire you or think you are great it is the one you love.  Yet, when we don't express our needs, we can get resentful wondering why our partner doesn't "get" us.  Needs can be as simple as telling a person what you like.  Needs can be situational, "I am exhausted, can we just stay home tonight".   Even that last example can be hard when it is a planned event that your partner is excited about(and so are you) but you take the risk to say that you need rest.  Needs can even be confrontational or corrective.  "I need for you to not...interupt me or be so loud, or drive so fast etc...

Admitting hurts is easier than admitting needs.  Hurts well....hurt.  Pain, anger, disappointment, self-righteousness are feelings we all are familiar with and have experienced outside of our love relationship.  Even people who are self-proclaimed "stuffers" blow up eventually.  Not to say we all express these hurts appropriately but sometimes we just do.  In loving and being loved the trick is to learn how to express hurt so that another hears us.  Hurts are either past(nothing to do with the current relationship) or present(has everything to do with the current relationship).  Expressing past hurts helps people to understand where you have been and my explain your reactions to unintended woundings.  Expressing present hurts helps to deepen and strengthen the current relationship by giving the other person a chance to understand how they act and it's effect. 

Telling someone your dreams is to share those dream(s).  This is about the future and what you envision for your life, living, values, money, activities, children(maybe), parenting(your current ideas) etc... To Share your dreams is to see if there is a match and to talk of what is hoped for can make you feel silly.  Silly in that, you don't normally talk this way, and that you get this uncomfortable feeling in your stomach that none of this will happen and you feel exposed. 

Vulnerability has these elements of sharing with someone your needs, hurts and dreams.  Obviously, if shared too soon or shared with the wrong person can really hurt and do lots of damage.  But I say, that if not shared at all with anyone ever, or rarely, or shared in a untruthful manner, you are only hurting yourself.  For a relationship to "work" you got to put yourself out there.  Most people would rather be naked in front of another or engage in sexual activity with someone than share their hearts.  If you can't share your heart, you are not sharing anything.

Shawn

Loving and being Love part 1

"You say, Love is a Temple, Love a higher law, you ask me to enter But then you make me crawl, And I can't be holding on to what you got When all you got is hurt"-From the Song One by U2

For some of us, our experience in people "loving" us is like the lyrics to this song.  Love is spoken or held in high regard yet not practiced at all well.  Love with strings attached, or love actions or words used as manipulation.  It's not really love at all but if that is all you know from experience then those people and experiences really mess with your head and your heart.  What does a loving relationship look like?  Will I be able to receive love(trust)?  Can I give love in it's proper way or will I just use the word to play out my messy issues?  Vulnerability is the ability to give and receive love.

To allow yourself to become vulnerable, is to put your heart out there.  Usually, it is an expression of feelings, thoughts and a commitment of sorts of "seeing where this relationship will go".  Openness of your dreams, hopes and feelings really exposes your heart to love or hurt.  I would say the highest form of Love or vulnerability is to say out loud or to yourself "I will love this person regardless of their ability to return my love".  That is vulnerability.  Now I didn't say that they can walk all over you, or you don't address issues but that expression is pretty scary. 

Vulnerability is also the ability to count the cost of loving someone and still choose to love them.  In many cases, it is not unknown that it will be costly to your time, energy and feelings.  You know at some level that if this relationship doesn't work out(to marriage) or the marriage falters(separation/divorce) you are still willing to give all your heart to this person in the process.  On a lesser level, choosing to love someone who has some issues(who doesn't), that bother you is a risk too.  Unfortunately, many of us keep looking for someone who is perfect or a perfect match which we think would make loving them easier.  There is a whole other set of blog posts on compatibility.  Regardless, loving is a risk no matter the person. 

Being hurt in the past and the deeper the hurt or broken heart the more difficult it is in finding the ability to be vulnerable.  You know what it takes to be vulnerable because you have done it before but are very hesitant to go there again.  Only under the most optimal circumstances will you allow yourself to even consider putting your heart out there.  You may even be married and struggle with vulnerability.  Within marriage, we can be hurt by our spouse and if not addressed or understood we can as individuals "run for cover" by withdrawing.  Maybe for you it has nothing to do with past broken hearts or previous relationships.  Maybe it has to do with never having the opportunity to be vulnerable so you don't really know what is it like, or someone is asking you to be vulnerable with them and you don't know how because you are unsure of what it is. 

Vulnerability is the key to loving someone.  Being open, courageous, and expressive are just a few of the traits of the vulnerable person.  Too often in our culture, the word vulnerable means "I am at a point of weakness" or "I made stupid choices because I was feeling vulnerable" or vulnerability means needy.  Of course that is not what I think.  There is more to be said here but I will save it for my next post.

Shawn

Affirmation, it's for Everybody!

"I am good enough, I am smart enough, and doggone it...people like me"--Stuart Smalley, played by now Minnesota Senator, Al Franken from Saturday Night Live in Daily Affirmations

Unlike the character from SNL, affirmation usually comes from others, not self affirmation.  We need people to speak into our lives whether it is corrective or affirming.  Affirmation can come in the words, "I love you", "you look great", "you're really good at fixing cars", or "I wish I as patient as you are".  Affirming someone is telling them that they have a strength or admirable quality.  By speaking like this into someones life, it empowers them to keep doing what they were doing all the more.  By speaking into someones strengths, helps the individual recognize that they have something significant to offer.  Affirmation helps to form another's identity, it gives them clues that either they are on the right track or shows them something about themselves that they did not believe existed in themselves.

Living without affirmation leaves a blank.  When there is no one to help us fill that blank about ourselves, it seems our default mode is to fill it with negative ideas about us.  We all have had plenty of negative comments or developed negative beliefs about ourselves, this is the stuff we fill the blanks with.  Rarely will we fill the blank with something helpful or good.  Isolating yourself for any length of time can produce the blank and therefore left to fill it ourselves.  I don't know about you, but I always think I personally have good ideas about myself.  As experience has taught me, my ideas usually are not very good.  Left on my own, I am my own worst enemy with wrong thinking, false ideas and feelings that I don't deal with well.

When we hear legitimate, sincere, and well spoken affirmation it is both humbling and invigorating.  I can think of 2 or 3 instances of receiving well spoken, for real affirmations, they changed how I thought about myself and directed me into good things.  Someone helped to fill in the "blank" in my life. 

In a relationship, especially if it is a marriage, affirmation is the most powerful tool to building a better relationship.  Be specific, be personal, focus on character and not always on appearance or just abilities. 
Never use affirmation to manipulate(blog posts to come on that topic).  A gift is best given without strings attached.  So take your time, choose your words well and give the gift that can transform people's lives.

Shawn

Some Signs of Long Term Potential, Part 3

“There’s what people want to hear, then there’s what people want to believe, there’s everything else, then there’s truth.” --Jame Rebhorn, from the movie 'The International'

In this final installment on "signs of potential", I would like to include one more item.  I have only chosen three, and there are certainly more, but I feel the three I have touched upon are most significant.  As the above quote alludes to, personal perspective, is a significant piece to the relationship puzzle.  Perspective is that understanding of yourself on where you have been and it's affect on you in the present as that relates to your future.  Knowing yourself is really important, so is it for the person you are in relationship with.  Perspective gives you the strength not to be pushed/pulled/used/played and the flexibility to take in criticism/truth/another's perspective on you without shutting down, or shutting them down.  

How aware are you of your personal issues, for example:  what you fear, what motivates you, what makes you insecure, your addictions(we all have an addiction), etc...and how that plays out in how you act?  It takes a life time to discover this stuff.  There needs to be some evidence of understanding, accepting, verbalizing some balance of good and the bad about you.  No one wants to be in a long term relationship with anybody who cannot admit that they are wrong or can't say sorry sincerely, or take responsibility for their own actions.   No one wants to be in a long term relationship with someone who hates themselves, has really poor self-esteem and has no confidence.  We all feel this stuff from time to time but it should not control us for long periods of time.  

How good are you at saying and believing that you do things well or know your gifts/strengths/talents?  I know this sounds too much like a self-esteem exercise but it is more about the bigger picture of perspective on yourself and on the person you are considering for a long term(marriage) relationship.  You don't have to have all the answers but you should have a clue.  You don't need to be the finished product, but you do need some tools to work with to becoming more of a finished product than you were before.  

We need people to help us see.  We are all blind to both the great and the not-so-great within us.  We need each other to safely speak and show us both the good/bad.  Since we need others help, and if you are considering committing to a long term relationship, how are you or your partner going to help you if they don't know themselves.  If you have found someone that possesses balance(I did not say free of issues, no such person exists) of perspective on themselves, don't let them get away!

Now there is something about growing together.  A mutual sharing of faults and admirable traits is already part of a long term relationship.  It is not like you wait around to find someone who is fully aware of themselves but you should look for someone who can see a little bit.  Can you see your stuff?  Do they see your stuff?  That to me, is part of the beauty of monogamous, committed long term relationship, seeing the great and bad in each other accepting both, celebrating and affirming the great, addressing and working with the bad.
Shawn 

Some Signs of Long Term Potential, Part 2

"We all make time for the things that are most important to us"--Unknown

The above quote is one of my favorites.  Why?  Because it expresses a value that I wholeheartedly believe in.  It is a value statement.  A value statement of priorities, a value statement of how time is spent by an individual.  I also like the sense of the absolute in it.   That is enough about me and what I like about a quote that I don't know where I picked it up from.  Anyway...

In a relationship when trying to assess the long term potential(is this person someone I want to marry), shared values are tremendously important.  Values are those things that we as individuals think are important and are the ideas we actually live by.  These values are the truths we believe, everything from what we think is good and bad, what we think of politics, marriage, family, raising children, money/finances, careers, spiritual life/issues, etc...It is the stuff of life. 

Defining which values are negotiable and non-negotiable is key.  If as an individual you have not thought through what's important to you, then you are liable to compromise in areas that end up being really important.  Why is this a big deal?  Let's say you have one person who is way more spiritually oriented than their partner.  The spiritual person is at some point going to desire to share that experience with their partner in deeper ways over time.  The person who is non-spiritual may change their mind or may not.  If they continue in not wanting to participate in a spiritual life, it becomes a huge area of difference and separation between the two.  You have one person believing that the spiritual life is best and wanting that for the person they love the most, and you have another person, trying to maintain or keep at a distance the spiritual life they do not want or believe they need.  You end up with two people in one house living separate lives.  No soul mates here.  The wanting children vs. not wanting children is another huge value.  There is much difficulty for the couple who marry but have not sorted this one out before making that commitment.  You have one person yearning for a child or children, to be a parent.   You have another person who is committed to living without children and they have their reasons.  One person in the relationship feels cheated, the other feels pressure all the time to change their mind.  Neither is happy.  Marriage is challenging enough without this kind of issue hanging over both their heads.  Obviously, I can go on and on.  Finances and jobs/careers should be sorted out too before making one the biggest commitments of your life. 

What is really great is when values are shared mutually.  These shared values are bonds that are hard to break, areas where trust can grow quick and strong.  Plus, when we share values, couples communicate better and have a tendency to work as a team.   Sure there will be disagreements along the way within each value but at least you are talking the same language.  Spending the rest of your life trying to change the other person is not respectful nor helpful.  The changer pressures, the one who feels the pressure, is made to feel less than.  Differences of opinion and values are great in the realm of public life, but those differences can really hurt a long term marital relationship.

Shawn

Some Signs of Long Term Potential, Part 1

“If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me.” Will Farrell in the Movie, Blade of Glory

 

In a relationship, once you get past the beginning, you start to take a serious look at the future of the relationship.  Sure you are supposed to take that under consideration in the first place, some people do(smart),

most of us don't(not smart).  So the assessment begins, "Is this a person I could be married to?", "Do they want the same things I want?", "Are they still going to be fun in 30 years?" etc... Many other questions we ask ourselves.  So here is what I think are some some signs of long term potential(marriage)...

 

All relationship start with the give/take of initiative/response.  Someone has to make the first move.  It can be as simple as one word, "hello", it can be as elaborate/planned out as figuring out where they are going to be and "bumping into" them for a chat.  Someone is doing something to get the other person to notice them.  Someone has to make an invite(ask out for date, as us old people would say), to something.  It is up to the person who was invited to catch a clue then respond.  Even on a date, there is a lot of initiative/response.  No response is a response.  I think you get the idea moving on...

 

So as a relationship progresses, a sign that the relationship has long term potential is where initiative(doing something first, proactive not passive, making something happen) is mutual.  Each person is feels free to start something.  Conversations about certain topics would be an example.  Activities that they know the other person likes to do.  Confrontation about issues that come up in relationships.  Someone has to go first and the other person responds to that lead. 

 

Let's look at conversations.  Conversations are not arguments but are about learning about the other person.  It is getting beyond the surface of opinion toward getting to shared values(or looking for them).  Topics like children, family, work/career, politics, spiritual issues and relationship boundaries(a whole other set of blog posts!) is what I am getting at.  If both of you feel free to initiate these types of conversations that is very good.  There is another part though...the response.  If in starting a conversation about these topics and the response is snippy(why do we always have to talk about this stuff), or non-committal(I don't know, I need to think about it) all the time, you don't got much of relationship.  If one person is always initiating conversation about values, and the other never seems to initiate, then this needs to be addressed.  But realize something else, one person may not be ready to tackle a topic and needs time.  Timing is very important so keep that in mind.

 

Let's look at activities.  Initiating activities is a good way to see if two people really "get" the other person.  It is the choosing of an activity that is important.  Doing something the other person likes that you could take or leave is a good sign of long term potential.  When this is mutually shared, feel really good about this relationship.  Obviously, doing that same thing, or too much, or too little activity(outings everything from dinner & a movie to hiking to going to concerts, to hanging out at the book store) is not good.  Again, if someone wants to do stuff and is initiating all the time and the response is lukewarm or snippy all the time, check the relationship.  I will throw this one in there, if spending time together is put off or someone wants a lot of alone time, check the relationship(more blog posts to come on this one).

 

Finally, let's look at confrontations.  No one likes to be confronted or do the confronting.  But if you feel free to bring up concerns or hurt feelings or corrections(what were you thinking?) with an open, honest and not too defensive response then you really got something here and are ready to be married because, if you can communicate to each other negative feelings and thoughts that is awesome!  Time in any relationship will provide you plenty of opportunities to see if your relationship can handle confrontations.  Your relationship may be going nowhere if only one person confronts all the time.  Your relationship may be going nowhere if the response is always defensive or snippy(Why do you have to be so dramatic?).  If no one is confronting and no one is taking responsibility for their actions(I'm sorry works well), then you have problems that time will not fix.

 

You can know with assurance that your relationship can go the distance.  It takes practice and time but it feels great that no topics are off limits, that the person you are with "gets" you and knows how to make you happy with activities that you like, and you can have confidence in their care because they can give it out and take it with confrontation/correction.

 

Shawn

 

 

 

 

Finding Your Voice in a Relationship, part 2

"If I could read minds, I would get paid more"--Unknown

In the previous post, we talked about a couple aspects to having a "voice" in the relationship.  One was decision making as it relates to when to say something that bothers you or not.  The other aspect was it's good to share you likes and dislikes.  This post is about being honest in what you say or do your words match what you are really tryng to say.

One thing to remember is that each of us is so locked into our own worlds/reality that it takes a lot of energy and intention to step outside that world/reality.  We all have our way of talking.  Some people are direct and others tend to be indirect.  Direct people tend to wear their emotions on their sleeve and have to spend a lot of engery/thought to "filter" what they say.  These people are bad poker players because they cannont contain their thoughts or feelings without showing them to the world.  Their "voice" in a relationship is intense, emotional, and is out there.  They certainly have a voice in a relationship but it can be all over the place, not focused and not always a true reflection of what they mean to say.  Some times it is an emotional outburst that is misplaced, which only serves to confuse or intimidate the other person in the relationship into not sharing their "voice".

The indirect people measure their word carefully and are more sensitive to how what they say will affect others.   Filters are important tools to protect others(usually themselves) from hurtful words.  Though it is true that Filters are necessary to communicate politely, employing them in a relationship too often brings confusion.  The tendency of indirect people is to be subtle or hint at what they want or mean.  They have the same emotions, thoughts and desires as the direct person but they have developed a way of communicating that sometimes takes a magnifying glass to sift through the meanings.  Their "voice" in a relationship is often muted and confusing to the listener and just like the direct person, what they are saying is not the true representation of what they are trying to say.

In the start up of most relationships, it is the connecting of communication that has a lot of power.  Does this person understand, relate or is tracking with what I am saying?   Do we laugh at the same things?  Seeking to be understood is huge.  As you progress in the relationship, you begin to talk about or attempt to talk about things that are closer to the heart and this is scary for both types.  As the couple assesses long term potential (marriage), topics and situations that come up, test the ability of the couple to understand and be understood.  Even then, as years go by, it is important to clearly "voice" your feelings and thoughts in a real way not in a pre-packaged, minimalist way or in an over the top, "I can talk louder with more emotion than you" way.  Here is an example conversation(not super deep but not super surfacy)...

Direct person--What did your friends think of me?(they thought I was nice and we are a good match)
Indirect person--They liked you but they thought you were a bit quiet.(It's the weekend and I want someone with more energy)
Direct person--I don't think I was "quiet" I was tired from a long work week.(I was totally engaging them in conversation, taking an interest because I know the friends have to sign off on this relationship)
Indirect person--They also said you were stand offish.(He is not getting what I trying to say here so here is another bit of info)
Direct person--Wow, I was not standoffish, in fact I thought I did well to talk to them. talking louder more intense.(Now I am mad, she has stupid friends who don't know what they talking about)
Indirect person--Don't get mad at me, I am just telling you what they said.  (he is too intense, I don't like this angry response, we are just talking!)

In trying to be "Nice" or "filtered", the real issue is not the friends, but using what the friends said to deflect blame or redirect an important aspect of the relationship that needs to be addressed more directly.

Here's Another one...

Indirect person--How was work today? (I am taking an interest in you and what you do)
Direct person--Work sucked!  I hate my job, I hate my co-workers, they are all jerks!  My boss totally takes advantage of me, I deserve better than this, you know what?  I think I am going to quit on Monday!  I will walk.  That will show them that they cannot treat me like this.  (obviously, angry, discouraged, hurt, and very emotional, ready to be implusive)
Indirect person--Oh, I am sorry, but do you think quitting is a good idea?(wow, what a hothead, I really feel uncomfortable)
Direct person--You don't understand, and I don't want to talk about this, in fact, I need some alone time!(just flailing around, emtremely emotional)
Indirect person--Okay...I guess, see ya.(All I asked was a simple question, if this is the response I am going to get, I don't want to ask questions any more, I don't like this intensity and anger over something I did nothing to deserve to be directed at me.)

Here the Direct person with their unfiltered ways cutting off communication by their emotions.  Sure, they could revisit this conversation later but...probably not.  The direct person could not slow down enough to express their deeper feelings about their career/job.  The indirect person asks a simple and gets just bluster.

Finding your voice takes work.  It is critical to long lasting relationships though.

Shawn

Beyond the Surface Relationship Thoughts: Finding Your "Voice" in a Relationship Part 1

Beyond the Surface Relationship Thoughts: Finding Your "Voice" in a Relationship Part 1: "I wrote her off for the tenth time today And practiced all the things I would say But she came over I lost my nerve I took her back and made..."

Finding Your "Voice" in a Relationship Part 1

I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practiced all the things I would say
But she came over
I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert
Now I know I'm being used
That's okay man cause I like the abuse
I know she's playing with me
That's okay cause I've got no self esteem

-The Offspring, From their Song "Self-Esteem"

 

The above lyrics are a bit extreme but being able to effectively communicate what you don't like in a relationship is not easy for everyone.  I call it finding your "Voice".  Your voice is bringing up things that

you feel are important to YOU.  Your voice is finding a way to initiate a conversation about things the other

person in the relationship is doing that bother you.  Most people err on the side of  letting a lot of things go more than bring things up that cause concern.  Like anything, finding the balance between "voicing" and letting things go is developed over time.  Let's look how this voice thing can be developed...

 

 For example:  Let's say you really enjoy the outdoors and hiking but the person you are with(in relationship/dating/etc..) sorta likes it but not as much as you do.  So whenever you suggest going on a day hike somewhere their response is either...they try to put this event off, or have a bad attitude about it if they do go...everytime.  They have never initiated a hike of any sort even though they know you like hiking and they know it is a big part of who you are.  Your decision is asking yourself, "how big of a deal is this to me?" This is where most of us let it slide because who wants "drama" in their lives?  Or maybe we don't know that much about ourselves to truly know who we are?  That can certainly confuse the situation and make you not bring up much of anything.  Having or making of list of qualities in a person you want to be with for long term relationships(eventual marriage) is vital to keep you grounded.  Is hiking or not going hiking a deal breaker?  For some people it is.  For some people it isn't.  But if hiking is really important to you then you should address it with your relationship partner.  Telling people what you like and don't like, what you need and don't need isn't easy.  It makes us feel weird, selfish or worse...needy.

 

The are hundreds of activities and issues that probably need addressing but don't expect the other person to read your mind, give them a chance to care for you by being upfront with them about a few things.  If there is constantly no response, or worse, they get snippy with you, then you may need to reconsider the relationship.  That's my opinion, just sayin'.

 

Shawn