Every Man's Struggle with Negative Emotions and Feelings

"I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?"
"He's somebody."
 "What about me?"
"You're nobody."
"Why him? Why not me?"
 "He's good, you're not."
"I'm better than him."
"You're worse, much much worse."

- George and Jerry, in "The Ticket" From the TV show Seinfeld

Don't let anyone fool you.  EVERY MAN has struggles with dealing, processing and expressing negative emotions/feelings in an appropriate/healthy fashion.  I would go so far to say that you can gauge the emotional health of a man by how well this area is developed.  Now that is fairly subjective because some of us flinch anytime someone gets mad or angry(the most basic male response to bad feelings) because of our previous experiences(see: Childhood).  Not all anger is bad.  But if that is the only response you have as a man to any and all negative feelings--sadness, lonliness, fear, feeling like a failure, hurt feelings, etc...you my friend are on the road to a world of hurt in your life because that expression is incomplete.

In my early manhood, my way of dealing with bad feelings was isolation.  Isolation is a great way to not have to say anything about anything to anyone who might ask or find out that you are as "together" as you thought you were.  I remember a time after one of my first professional failures that I really withdrew, got depressed, bitter and blaming.  Why?  Because I experienced a work situation where people didn't like me and they didn't understand where I was coming from.  Not the end of the world but it felt like it at the time because I had not experienced anything quite like it before and it was overwhelming to me.  The worst thing I could do to work through this was to isolate myself and not talk about it.  You see, in a way, isolation worked as a defense for my heart.  Like a wounded animal I hid.  When you hide, you cannot process, accept, understand and move on.  A key indicator for me at that time was not spending time with friends.  I was married at the time and that was not fun either but I needed to talk to my guy friends and I chose not to. 

Another way that I dealt with negative feelings that wasn't good was self-medication.  When you are feeling bad, you find ways to make yourself feel good.  My method of choice was and still is food.  Junk food, greasy comfort food.  Why?  Because man, it is soooo good!  I am not going to lie, I have bad eating habits.  But when things are going real bad on the inside, I eat extra bad.  Alcohol was not somewhere I wanted to go because of my beliefs and that I have alcoholism in my family(which scares that crap out of me).  Drugs are similar to alcohol for me so they were out.  Sexual stuff(the most common male medication) was not an issue for me.  I fear porn addiction because I have seen what it does to men.  Strip clubs?  Like live action porn, destructive.  Any guy who tells you that porn/strip clubs and the like are a part of their life but no big deal is a fool.  Our culture pushes Manliness as drunken, sex filled conquests and experiences.  When in fact, they are self-destructive and will ruin relationships. 

Anger, violence and rage are common male responses to feelings, even sadness.  They are a mask that isn't so masking.  I know I can get real mad and it fits with my general intensity vibe.  So even if I am "venting" it can really come off as scary to people.  Anger like, self-medication can consume you.  It is a response of feeling out of control. 

What is needed is to learn to talk.  Yes I said, learn to talk.  Men need people in their lives who ask them good questions, who can affirm them and can sort through the anger, so that they can be drawn out.  Until an individual man can learn and experience the value allowing themselves to be drawn out, they will fall victim to the above mentioned methods and their outcomes.  I learned to share in counselling.  I practice it in my relationships with my current wife, and my male close friends.  I have developed the habit, I have faced the fear, because I KNOW from experience, the harm of choosing to not talk.  Men need to develop the type of male relationships with other men that go deeper, that ask very personal questions about feelings, thoughts and motives. 

As a Relationship Coach, I can help you talk.  Contact me at shawn@coachingthrough.com or visiti my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/


Shawn

Reasons Why I Believe My Current Marriage Will Last

"I guess I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities of a pretend-marriage."
- Jerry, in "The Wife"  from the TV Show Seinfeld

If you have read this blog at all, I often mention that I had been married before.  Since I am married now with an anniversary coming up, started thinking about the relationship for long, long term.  Not that I don't think about it at all but you just get caught up in the day to day, week to week existence and trying to wrangle a very active 2 year old.  I am excited about the future because it is still quite an adventure this marriage(in a great way!) because no one really knows what is going to happen and I dig that.  I love sharing my life, my journey with my wife and vice versa.  We are in it together so I thought I would share some key elements as to why I am so optimistic about the future of my marriage...

Not listed in order of importance, just as they come to mind....
1.  Raising our children(2nd one coming soon!).  The parenting endeavor is an adventure all it's own and we find that it works best if we both parent as a team.  This is our great mission, opportunity, dream whatever you want to call it to train, love, share, raise, impart values, prepare for life two people who will most likely be quite different from one another and pose various challenges.  As a team with my wife, we get to talk about some of the most important things in life, and support each other in this effort to hopefully influence our children in a healthy, positive and loving way.

2.  Laughing with and at each other.  Losing the ability to enjoy one another is a bad sign, but when you can laugh together often and laugh at each other, that is the good stuff.  Not taking  yourself too seriously is key to long lasting relationships with ANYONE much less your spouse. 

3.  Having close same gender friends.  Developing friendships where your friends can tell you "like it is" when you are being selfish and petty is huge.  I am so thankful that I have a couple of close friends who can, who will, and who have called me out on my stuff.  I really needed those type of relationships in the first marriage, I am not going to make that mistake again by not including others on what is going on in my marriage relationship.

4.  Having a plan for finances, housing, retirement, and the calendar.  If you are not talking about this stuff, these areas become breeding ground for uncertainty, resentment, and separation.  There needs to be one plan, not two especially when it comes to the monthly budget.  The budget is something we talk about often to keep each other informed of where we are at and expenditures when they happen.  The calendar and being responsible for knowing what's on it, really cuts down on "surprises" in the schedule which can cause unrealistic expectations of what is going to happen when.  Keeping these topics "on the table" generates more comfort in talking about them, so that it does not have to be a big emotional deal. 

The above reasons are not all the reasons but some that I have blogged about and believe in.  Anything to promote teamwork, taking two people and keeping them focused doing things together for the long haul.  I am excited about what will happen next.  Time will tell, it always does, but this time around I believe time will tell me..."you got something special going on here!"

Shawn
I am a Relationship Coach, check out my website and contact me, I can help!  http://www.coachingthrough.com/

Entitlement or Intentional?

Life can be confusing.  Our culture bombards us with many messages some good, some not so good.  Also, we are raised with certain hopes and dreams of how life should be and how we want it to be.  This is not a bad thing, but it can cause us problems down the road when we cling too tightly to what we think the way things should be.  We can miss the unique beauty of what we have now.  We can miss the unique beauty of what is still available to us. 

When I got married the first time, I had a rather simplistic view of marriage, relationships, communication, intimacy and conflict.  I was 25 years old and an immature, 25 at that.  At the time, I was a Jr. High Director at a large church and I had aspirations of being a Youth Pastor of Jr. High and High School students.  My 1st wife was a Jr. High Ministry Volunteer.  That is how we met.  It seemed a key piece for me for any relationship that the other person had to be into Youth Ministry since that is a way different lifestyle than a "normal" job.  Then we had to love each other.  No brainer there.  We wanted a simple life but were unsure about if and when to have kids.  Since it seemed we were both unsure, that seemed to match.  As for the working aspects of marriage, I thought I was very easy going, likeable and committed so there would not be too much problem.  What's not to like?  The future and a plan?  That would take care of itself. 

I also thought that since I was nice and she was nice why wouldn't this relationship work out?  Pretty simplistic, naive, and immature I know but that is what I thought.  I expected things to work out.  I also never expected the marriage would end so horribly.  I had a sense of entitlement that since I had certain things going for me, the marriage would work.  At the beginning, there was no reason to think otherwise since divorce only happens to people with problems.  Since I didn't have problems then there was no problem.
Again, simplistic. 

Obviously, as it became clear that things were ending after 9 years (the last year barely counts), the reality versus my expectation clashed hard.  It was at this point I needed to drop the entitlement thinking(or be crazy) and start thinking intentionally for the first time in my life about me and what happened.  Going from married to single and wanting to be marriage again at some point was going to take intentionality not wishful thinking and an attitude of "I deserve it" or "I was robbed".  

Others of us can experience this same sense of entitlement.  If you are unmarried, you expected to be married by now and wonder why that has not happened.  The temptation is to become bitter toward the opposite sex, or culture or God or whomever you want to blame.  The expectation of WANTING to be married is not wrong it is the entitled thinking of "I deserve it", or "I am being robbed".  This is where being intentional would help.  How?  By seeking out social opportunities, networking with established friends, taking care of yourself(physically, and fashionably) and maybe even hiring a Relationship Coach(me).   Doing something about your situation is being intentional.

Still others of us experience the pull of entitlement when it comes to having children and raising children.  We expected to be parents of however many kids.  We expected that our kids would be well behaved.  We expected our kids to share our values.  Of course the first situation, nature has a lot to do with it.  But you can seek other medical options.  Hard as it is, you are limited in what you can do but like the unmarried person, you can do somethings and not lose sight of the wonderful spouse you have.  Raising kids is hard work.  Some parents put more work into it than others.  That is a fact.  Expecting results without a plan, a unified plan with outside help from time to time, is just foolish.  I think you know people who parent this way.  What do you intend for your kids, teens and toddlers?  Get informed and be brave.

Moving from entitled thinking to intentional living takes courage, commitment and a willingness to say that "there isn't just one way".  I can help you navigate this change in thinking, having lived with the consequences of entitlement living and thinking.  Contact me shawn@coachingthrough.com.

Shawn

When it's Time to Go

"You Just slip out the back, Jack--Make a new plan, Stan--You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free"--From Paul Simon's Song "50 ways to leave your lover"

When I say it's 'time to go' or end the relationship, I only mean dating relationships, in some cases engagement and never marriage.  I am thinking here of situations and characteristics that don't change and are part of the fabric of the other person for whatever reason.  We all tend to think things will change but really in a dating relationship the "style" of interaction is only the tip of the iceberg(the idea being, there is much more below the surface).  You see, once you are married, it is extremely difficult to hide things like styles of interaction, communication or lack thereof, and ways of dealing with confrontation.  There could be parts of the person that we really like and admire yet there other things that we wish would change or could change.  This is not about finding the perfect person but someone who is consistent and transparent.

A sign that you need to end the relationship is when there are huge inconsistencies.  What do I mean by inconsistent?  Someone who runs real hot or cold in sense that they are 'into you and the relationship' one minute then not and they repeat this over and over.  When you bring it up, they look at you like you are crazy or get snippy and defensive.  (Which by the way, isn't an explanation of what is going on inside of them) or they say "I don't know" which is another type of a non-answer.  Another sign within the hot-cold is their availability.  How available are they?  Are they trying to create "space" or and above what is necessary?  You begin to hear the "I need more time with my friends" or "I need more time alone".  Not a good sign if you are really into the relationship, it's a sign that they are not.  It is a great set up though because you are left craving time with them and then they 'become available' and you jump at it.  It is at this time you need to realize that it's time to get out because they are not into you as you need them to be.

Another sign that you should end the relationship is the needy factor.  We all like to be needed, and we all need others.  It is when the other person is sooooo dependent upon you for any and all social and emotional needs.  Look for the person who doesn't spend time with friends or has few close friends.  Look for the person who doesn't do anything when they are not with you.  Do they have a life?  I mean do they have people in their lives and are they involved in some activity or hobby on a regular basis that they choose.  Choice making when there is no relationship is key to understanding the person.  What do they do with their time?  Do they work all the time? 
Do they have a history of living entirely on their own?  or with few roomates?  Or do they spend all their time with their family?(could be a sign of future issues, when it comes to marital holiday plans and such).

Lastly, another sign to get out of a relationship is when there is little or no communication.  You find that when you are together with your person, you don't talk about anything beyond the surface.  No feelings shared, no visions of the future(sharing dreams), or no values shared.  Probably because the relationship is activity driven, or sexually driven or no one is asking good questions because their afraid of possible answers that would end it.  If your person cannot tell you how they feel about you or the relationship when asked on a fairly consistent basis or you find yourself feeling very uncertain of their level of interest over a few months then get out.  It is when you ask questions and ask for meaning and ask for clarification and you get nothing or little then you know what you got?  Not much of a relationship.  Don't waste your time waiting for them to be comfortable enough to "open up".  It ain't gonna change very much.

We all need help understanding what we got in a relationship.  I can help as a Relationship Coach, help you sort out the feelings, actions and flow of your relationship. Check out my Website at http://www.coachingthrough.com/

Shawn

It's Getting Serious

"So, we meet at last, whoever you are.”--Dan Castellanetta, from "The Simpsons Movie"

New relationships are super fun in that they are fresh, exciting, and full of promise and discovery.  People love the newness.  As time passes something happens that causes one of the people involved to start thinking differently about the relationship.  The newness is gone, sure, the excitement is still there but the promise, ah yes, the promise of what could be either falls a part or takes on new hopeful meaning.  At what point does this take place?    Why does one of the people involved start thinking or asking questions that could jeopardize a good thing?  I believe there are two key factors at work here, expectations and definitions. 

 Expectation is how a person sees things happening FOR THEMSELVES.  They have a clearer idea than their partner as to how they expect things to go in terms of relationship development.  It could be slow, it could be fast, it could feel a certain way, the relationship could be hinging on approval of friends and family, it really could be anything.  Whoever has the highest expectations is usually the first to start asking deeper questions about the nature of relationship (where is this going?, what is your view of having and raising children?, etc...).
One issue with this is that it is one person's point of view as to what they expect to happen.
It's ok to have expectations, it just when we push our own expectations too far we can chase away people.  Then again, if we don't voice our expecations at all, then we get nothing.  

Definitions are very closely related to expectations in that certain things carry meanings for the INDIVIDUAL.  For me, time was always a big factor.  Length of time always meant so much more to me than most people.  The problem was I didn't sense that.  Or a real trap for those who have had some harsh relationship endings and not so fun relationships or previous marriages, is the comparison game.  Comparing previous experience with the current one can be helpful, but it can be taken too far.  Just because you are being treated better, does not mean this person is a candidate for long term relationship.  Look further.  They might just be nicer than previous people you have been with.  Another defining thing is the "meet the parents", man that has lots of potential for misunderstanding.  Meeting the parents can mean "hey, I like this person and I want you to know them" or it can mean "hey, I am really interested in long term with this person, and I want your approval" or it can mean "I want to spend time with both my family and my boyfriend/girlfriend(I am multi-tasking!)".

Meanings to events, words, or "relationship defining talks" come with expectations.  Finding the meaning and understanding of what's going on will help you as a couple figure out if someone is getting serious or wants to.  Again, it's ok to have expectations, they just need to be communicated at the right time in the right way understanding that the other person isn't a "mind reader" and may have different ideas, definitions and expectations than you.  They totally could be on a different pace and yet find themselves falling in love with you.  Just because it is not happening according to your or their "pre-conceived ideas" what getting serious is does not mean it is not getting serious.  

Even the idea or the words "we are getting serious" has baggage that needs to be unpacked. 
It feels and looks way different than you think it could and that is more than just OK, it's great!

Shawn
Check out my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/ I can help!

Commitment and the Future

"Yeah, I'm a great quitter. It's one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up." --
George Constanza from the Episode "The Old Man" from the Seinfeld TV Show

Commitment is one of those words that has a varied meaning to each person.  Commitment can mean "I am committed to this until something better comes along".  Commitment can mean a time limit like "I'll give it 3 months, then decide".  Commitment can also mean "I am committed to this relationship if the other person is committed".  Still for others, commitment means really long term like "I am committed to this relationship until they get rid of me or one of us passes away".  My wife and I have a relationship motto which we joke with each other about but at the core, we agree upon is that regarding our being married to each other, "No one is leaving this alive".  You may think that is a bit creepy but we like it. 

Committing your heart, your person and really your future to another person is scary.  Why?  Because no one knows the future.  Look at your own life.  Ask yourself, what was going on 6 months ago? or a year ago in your life?  Did you envision your life being where it is at now?  With that kind of change, commitment to a relationship, especially a marriage is absolutely necessary because of the unknowns.  I want someone( and I do!) who will stick with me through life's ups and downs, twists and turns.  It just that initial choice to commit is so hard. 

I truly believe time in a relationship will certainly help in the commitment choice.  Patterns need to develop within a dating relationship to see what each of you are made of.  Talk is cheap.  Time reveals character and a person's methodology of dealing with changes, challenges and difficulties.  Also, it takes time for some people to figure out how they feel.  This time piece of letting others take time to feel about something is my greatest weakness.  I usually know how I feel or rush myself and not let myself figure out how I feel but I have this ridiculous expectation that other people will know how they feel about stuff on my time table.  Not wise. 

It is wise to have a plan for the future but realize that it might change.  As a seriously dating couple or a married couple you need a vision or plan.  Where is this going?  Having a plan or vision helps you to make choices while the future unfolds.  It also helps to work together as a team and it gives you something to discuss often to see if you both are on the same page.  Having a plan is an anchor in the storms of life.  It will not keep change and difficulty away but it is way better than having no plan. 

Committing your heart, body and soul to another person takes a bit of faith.  You can know a few things if you take the time to let the relationship flow to see patterns in yourself and in the other person.  I can help you sort out those patterns. 

Shawn
Talk to me shawn@coachingthrough.com or visit my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/

Accessorising Your Life

“A tiny fragment of a Dad is still a Dad"--Mathieu Amarlic from the Movie 'The Diving Bell and the Butterfly'

This post isn't just about Dads, or parenting or being married.  It has to do with a very common attitude about relationships in general and plays itself out more in marriage relationships and parenting situations.  The attitude starts way before that.  It is a way of living or a lifestyle, a world view if you will, that when seen in black and white is quite ugly but we find ways to rationalize our 'attitude'.  The attitude is about seeing people, children, wives, husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends as things that become accessories to your life like jewelry or a car, or a vacation home, and the like. 

When relationships start, the idea is to find someone who is attractive, fun, and easy going.  Those three characteristics will keep a person interested for quite a while.  The next thing to look for is depth, safety and values matches.  Sometimes people look for people who like the same lifestyle, especially competitive types, biking, rock climbing, marathoner but not just them, sports oriented people, book readers and collectors and others.  The problem arises when there are challenges usually time challenges to continuing your lifestyle.  The "lifestyle" becomes the thing because you like it so much.  Now the trick becomes finding someone who will fit into your lifestyle.  Do they get it that you "need" to do this stuff?  Can they share your "passion" for the lifestyle? 

Actually, it is easy to find people who match you on this level.  The problem is when they start challenging the amount of money or time you put into whatever it is you see your lifestyle being.  The tension of change can end a relationship.  But what if you are married?  Being married actually takes more time than dating even if there are no kids involved.  What if there is a baby involved?  How does the baby fit into your lifestyle?  A lot of people work around spouses and babies so that they get to do as much as possible the things they have always done.  When you are at that point, then you are in danger of accessorising your spouse and children.  You have your activities and you have your marriage, and you have your family.  Some people do this with work/careers as a lifestyle.

Treating people as accessories for any length of time will make them feel small and unimportant.  The test is are you willing to put aside your "lifestyle" either permanently or for a time so that you can be there for the changes?  Nothing makes a kid more angry or a spouse more bitter than being a planet orbiting your "sun".  People, whether they are girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, babies, toddlers or teens need time and they need time on their terms which means you will need to give up the things you like to do most for...them.  The question is do you really want to?



Shawn
Talk to me I am a Relationship Coach, shawn@coachingthrough.com