It's Getting Serious

"So, we meet at last, whoever you are.”--Dan Castellanetta, from "The Simpsons Movie"

New relationships are super fun in that they are fresh, exciting, and full of promise and discovery.  People love the newness.  As time passes something happens that causes one of the people involved to start thinking differently about the relationship.  The newness is gone, sure, the excitement is still there but the promise, ah yes, the promise of what could be either falls a part or takes on new hopeful meaning.  At what point does this take place?    Why does one of the people involved start thinking or asking questions that could jeopardize a good thing?  I believe there are two key factors at work here, expectations and definitions. 

 Expectation is how a person sees things happening FOR THEMSELVES.  They have a clearer idea than their partner as to how they expect things to go in terms of relationship development.  It could be slow, it could be fast, it could feel a certain way, the relationship could be hinging on approval of friends and family, it really could be anything.  Whoever has the highest expectations is usually the first to start asking deeper questions about the nature of relationship (where is this going?, what is your view of having and raising children?, etc...).
One issue with this is that it is one person's point of view as to what they expect to happen.
It's ok to have expectations, it just when we push our own expectations too far we can chase away people.  Then again, if we don't voice our expecations at all, then we get nothing.  

Definitions are very closely related to expectations in that certain things carry meanings for the INDIVIDUAL.  For me, time was always a big factor.  Length of time always meant so much more to me than most people.  The problem was I didn't sense that.  Or a real trap for those who have had some harsh relationship endings and not so fun relationships or previous marriages, is the comparison game.  Comparing previous experience with the current one can be helpful, but it can be taken too far.  Just because you are being treated better, does not mean this person is a candidate for long term relationship.  Look further.  They might just be nicer than previous people you have been with.  Another defining thing is the "meet the parents", man that has lots of potential for misunderstanding.  Meeting the parents can mean "hey, I like this person and I want you to know them" or it can mean "hey, I am really interested in long term with this person, and I want your approval" or it can mean "I want to spend time with both my family and my boyfriend/girlfriend(I am multi-tasking!)".

Meanings to events, words, or "relationship defining talks" come with expectations.  Finding the meaning and understanding of what's going on will help you as a couple figure out if someone is getting serious or wants to.  Again, it's ok to have expectations, they just need to be communicated at the right time in the right way understanding that the other person isn't a "mind reader" and may have different ideas, definitions and expectations than you.  They totally could be on a different pace and yet find themselves falling in love with you.  Just because it is not happening according to your or their "pre-conceived ideas" what getting serious is does not mean it is not getting serious.  

Even the idea or the words "we are getting serious" has baggage that needs to be unpacked. 
It feels and looks way different than you think it could and that is more than just OK, it's great!

Shawn
Check out my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/ I can help!