The Things We Think But Don't Say, Part 1

"Ninety percent of what you're saying isn't coming out of your mouth.”--Will Smith from the Movie "Hitch"

Obviously, saying everything that comes to mind isn't a good idea.  It's called 'social skills'.  Not everybody is interested in what in EVERYTHING you think.  Some of us do have a problem with saying too much, giving away too much information, we are bad poker players.  There are others that rarely say anything that matches what they think or feel.  What they say is a diversion from some deep insecurity or secret.  They are great poker players.  Everyone of us whether you are a more private person or an expressive transparent person holds back on some important ideas and feeling that make them quite hesitant to express.  One of those items which I believe is common to all is the phrase/question, "What did that mean?"

The meaning to words, phrases, actions, inaction and the like, can escape us.  We as individuals struggle to not read into words and actions, but we cannot help it.  Why?  Because in relationships especially, there is a lot riding on the outcome of the meaning of words and actions.  Here are some examples...trying to figure out if the other person is interested in you, trying to figure out when and how to move the relationship along, within a marriage relationship pick a situation/phrase, trying to figure out if your marriage is ending, etc... There are many more, some big, some small from "I'm tired" to "I'm busy" to "I love you" to "he just grabbed my ass".

Things get confusing for a few reasons.  One of those is timing.  The other person does or says something that you are not prepared for or expecting.  To you, it is not at all what you were thinking, to them they see it as "the next step".  Another confusing thing is definitions.  Word and actions mean different things to different people at different times(see my previous blog posts on Meaning).  We get so locked into our own definitions, that we miss another's idea of what stuff means.  Still another confusing thing is trying to over analyze.  We over analyze when we get anxious(for a relationship to start, for a relationship to grow deeper, for signs of the end of relationship or marriage).  Our own anxious/worry/stress/insecurity drives us to feel fear so we start seeing things that may or may not be there.  This is where we become our own worst enemy.

We think but don't say "what did that mean" because we also don't want to be wrong.  Who wants to be the person asking "what did that mean" and get the answer, "nothing, why are you asking"?  Then you have to explain what you are thinking.  Try applying that to the above examples.  In other situations though, asking the question "What did that mean?" can really help you understand the other person(if they are being honest).  If it is important to you, then ask, especially if you are in an established relationship or are married.  If you are married, asking "what did that mean?" is key to communication.  Instead of jumping to conclusions, ask.  Even if you cannot ask in the moment, you are allowed to revisit a statement or action after the fact.  Same goes for those of you in an established relationship.  Clarity allows you to think and feel appropriately.  It is hard to think/feel/act when you are not sure what is going on or where the other person is coming from.

Take the risk of feeling stupid, by asking what things mean.  Sure, the other person can lie, but like Will Smith said...90% of what you are saying isn't coming out of your mouth.

Shawn