The Things We Think But Don't Say, Part 3

"Give me, Give me, I need, I need, I'll do the work, I am not a slacker!"--Bob to Dr. Marvin from the Movie "What About Bob?"

Probably the hardest thing to say out loud within an established relationship or marriage is "I need" or "This is really important to me" or "This means everything to me".  You would think that statements of negativity would be harder but really they come a bit too naturally and usually just fly out of mouths when we get really mad.  There is something really scary about saying that we have need or express importance about something.  Why is that?

I think it is because we are afraid that the other person in the relationship will laugh at us.  Or they will tell us how selfish we are or they won't understand what we are asking for.  That when we express need, we open ourselves up to disappointment.  If we just settle for what is and try to make that work, then that is good enough.  Well, I will tell you, it isn't.  If we want to experience the love and care from another on a deep, satisfying level, then we need to TELL THEM.

Another thing that we all do is hold these expectations that the other person in the relationship will "figure it out".  It is kinda like a relational/emotional Easter egg hunt.  We throw out hints hoping that the other person "gets us" and when they don't, we get resentful and frustrated and feel unloved.  Really?  Are we in relationship with mind readers?  Or have we bought into some Hollywood idea of love and relationships where we wait for the other person to come running to us in which they say the very thing that "completes us". 

I don't think it is fair to hold huge expectations on people when you have not told them how you feel or think.  Remember, we all have our own versions of how we see the world.  Communication is about expressing ideas, feelings, hopes and dreams in a way that the OTHER person understands.  Communication is not saying things in such a way that you get it and they should too...if they care or are not stupid.  It is YOUR responsibility to make sure they understand.  Then and only then, can you begin to have some expectation of the other person in the relationship.  This is especially true of married people, since each of us has a different vision of what marriage is supposed to look like(really, has anyone seen a very good, workable example?). 

Another reason we don't say "I need" is because we ourselves don't really understand what we need.  We don't like to think about it, or we lie to ourselves in thinking...I don't need or worse, it is all about the other person's needs.   If you cannot identify your own needs in a loving relationship, then you will not find much satisfaction nor happiness nor longevity of relationship.
Also, another reason not to say "I need" is the trust issue.  Maybe you don't say it because you don't trust that the other person will come through or attempt to meet your need.  There could be good reason for you feel this, or you could just be protecting yourself for no reason.  Either way, you gotta find that trust if you want the relationship to last which means, you may need to talk about something you really don't want to talk about...past hurts and disappointments.

Shawn

  If you want a long lasting, satisfying relationship, then each of you must learn to express need.