The Things We Think But Don't Say, Part 4

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." --Mark Twain

 

For some of us, expressing, hurt, anger, offense and other negative emotions is really hard.  For others, it is where we live.  It is to those who hold in or distrust their feelings in this area I speak to.  Like the quote from above, anger or hurt when not expressed within a relationship will eat you up.  You may think you are being noble, or sensitive but really you are not, your are being careless with the relationship.   If you value yourself, the other person you are in relationship to and you value the relationship yourself, you will need to explain how you feel.

 

It is interesting to me that expression of positive feelings, love, compliments and affirmations which can help to build and affirm a relationship are ALWAYS seen as good but can also be empty, manipulative and ignorant.  Yet, the expression of negative feelings are ALWAYS seen as bad.  I do not think this is so.  I believe the expression of negative feelings when done well bring depth, healing and growth to a relationship.  The problem is that there isn't alot of good examples of how this is done.  We are not taught how this works.  Confrontation, correction and truth telling even if it challenges the other person's feelings and views of "how they are doing" in the relationship is so scary.

 

The benefits of expressing hurt or offense are that the other person in the relationship can learn more about you.  You can learn about them when they either take to heart your feelings or they ignore or use the information to hurt you some more.  That is important to know especially if you are in a pre-marriage situation.  Negative feelings usually have a story attached of not just one experience but experiences that reinforce the feelings.  As a relationship partner, you need to know the back story and how it plays out.

 

Another benefit of expressing hurt or offense is to ease the anger and resentment that can build within you.  Nothing kills communication, trust and affection like anger/resentment.  Anger and resentment will happen, but how long it lingers within your heart is your responsibility as the holder of such feelings.  You need to talk about it.  Just like a balloon, filling and filling with air, sooner or later you will pop.  Being non-confrontational at all costs will cost you and will cost you the relationship.  Even if you don't do it well, you gotta get it out.

 

Lastly, no one can read your mind or heart.  No one can care for you if you don't share your feelings.  Now if for some reason you just don't believe there is a problem or you just can't find a way to share how you feel or you have no clue as to why you feel the way you do, then seek professional counselling.  They can help you understand the wounds of the past and how they relate to your relationships now. 

 

So don't hold it share it, find out if the one you are with can love you for better or...worse.

 

Shawn