The Difference Between Hearing and Listening

"Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating"--Jim Carrey from the Movie, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"

We all get into conversations or we all get "talked at" at some point in our relationships where it does seem that the other person is constantly talking.  Listening is about valuing the other person.  You may not like what they are saying or even care, but to be a caring person, listening not hearing  them, because whatever it is they are saying, they apparently care a lot about.  Relationships work best when we take an interest in what the other person is interested in and the ability and choice of listening really shows them that you care.

In order to listen, you have to be there, in the moment.  In other words, you cannot drift off to your own thoughts.  Distraction is really disrespectful.  When you are in relationship with someone, and they have something to say about their day, their friendships or whatever, this is your opportunity to show that you care by...listening.  Listening takes focus and attention to detail.  Focus and attention to detail takes the exercise of your will.  It is a choice.  Either you choose to listen or you choose to act like you are hearing them.  What is the difference?  How will the other person know you are "there" and that you care about what they are saying?

You can show you are tracking with them by asking questions.  Asking questions, at the right time, shows that you are taking an interest in their thoughts.  Questions especially aimed at how they feel about it or what they thought about what was going on bring out more of the story and their part in it.  By asking questions, you get a better sense of your relationship partner's emotional and thought process.  You learn about them.  Don't miss the opportunity!  Also, by asking questions, you can gauge if you are supposed to give your opinion/problem solve or just listen.  It can be hard to know what the other person wants, if you don't know ask, "is this one of the times you want me to...just listen or help?"

Hearing what someone is saying is a rather detached way of involving yourself.  Listening brings you into their world.  A good relational characteristic to have is being "others centered".  It is nearly impossible to have a deep meaningful relationship with anyone if you are "self-seeking" or "self-absorbed".  If your tolerance/endurance for listening to your relationship partner is low, then this area needs to grow for you.  Over time, there will be topics and stories that you know do not interest your partner.  That is ok too.  But when they are excited/passionate about something, you should be all in.  Because nothing should make you  happier than to listen to them share their heart.

The same could be said for when they are feeling down or discouraged.  Creating a safe environment to share negative feelings like anger or sadness and loss comes when you know that the other person will be listening.  What makes it safe is that they know you are taking to heart their heart.  Nothing brings a couple closer than the freedom to share from the heart.  That kind of transparency is what makes relationships last a life time.  Transparency does not happen without two people committed to listening to each other.  Take the time, to focus and be there for your loved one.

Shawn