The Passive Man: Struggles with Being Genuine

It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing, or in disbelieving; it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe.

Thomas Paine (1737-1809) English intellectual.

 "This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me" Matthew 15:8

Like I have said before, I was the Passive Man.  One of my skills was the part of not being genuine.  It served me well in potential situations I wanted to avoid like confrontation or speaking my mind when I knew or even thought it would not go over well.  Avoidance of hassle and trouble is at the core of the Passive Man and I had it.  No one likes arguments, and no one likes confrontation but these are necessary to growing a relationship, growing teamwork, and being a leader.  But we also want to be liked, loved and respected, all people do.  How we get there is another matter.  Being passive and not being genuine are not going to get you what you long for.


I am not saying that the Passive Man is a liar...exactly.  It is just that the Passive Man has a very difficult time being transparent with his feelings.  First of all, men are not raised to share negative emotions like sadness.  When was the last time a guy admitted that "I am sad" or "That makes me sad"?  Or another one like "I am scared"?  What you get is "I am mad", "I am angry" or "I am just tired".  You don't get those statements because that would require more talking, more sharing more exposure that a man is not doing very well(failing).  It also means it can open the Passive Man to critique.  You want to really hurt a guy?  Kick him when he is down.  Just when he takes the risk to open up, criticize or be unsympathetic that will shut him down and you won't have to hear that stuff anymore because he ain't going there again because it hurts too much.

When I was much younger and working in a church as a Youth Pastor, my then wife joined me in running a Summer Camp for our Church denomination.  I had done some extended weekend "camps" before but this was bigger and unfamiliar.  I applied what I knew and it didn't turn out very well.  My inexperience showed.  The circumstances would have challenged a more seasoned Youth Leader but I was way in over my head with few answers.  Because my then wife was a part of this camp(one of the counselors), she could hear the feedback.  Plus, as an inexperienced husband, I was having much difficulty balancing spouse and work relations.  So she was none too happy about it either.  So after it was over and we were at home, I opened up to her about how I felt the week went.  She, for her reasons, was unsympathetic.  More like critical and concerned that if I didn't start "doing a better job, I would get fired and then where would we be!".  I was speechless and hurt but was incapable of responding.  I was already hurting.  She had a point but the delivery and timing were unfortunate.  I decided to be more careful "expressing" myself after that. 

"Going underground" with how you really feel is a relationship killer.  Sooner or later it is going to cost you.  It did me as the years passed and this pattern of not being real hurt the relationship to the point of ending it.  Once a guy decides or never learns to "share" his negative feelings he is essentially a manager.  You manage your wife or girlfriend instead of relating, or growing intimacy(the real kind, not the sexual kind).  You manage them by going along with what they say(even if you don't like it), you go out of your way to keep things from getting to a confrontation(exhausting), you are pretending.  You are there but not really.  You don't own what is happening, and resentment, anger and sometime depression sets in.  This is where many men dive into Pornography big time as an escape, as a way to self medicate.  They are not dealing, just trying to find another way to cope.

Some men take years to do this, others cut and run within a year of a marriage or relationship.  Others hone their skills so well that you wouldn't know the difference until it blows up and blow up it will.  If you are a Passive Man, there is help.  Depending on the depth of your passivity I can surely help by listening and guiding you out.  Contact me, Shawn@coachingthrough.com. 

Shawn

The Passive Man: Has No Initiative

My observation is that women are merely waiting for their husbands to assume leadership.
James Dobson

Many men struggle with being passive.  There are all sorts of reasons for this, and I just want to highlight a few characteristics.  How am I familiar with passivity in men?  Because I was at one time quite paralyzed with being passive.  It is not always across the board, meaning that a guy could be quite courageous and initiative oriented in a job or hobby or sport but all that comes to a screeching halt when dealing with relationships with his parents, or his siblings, girlfriend or wife and even his kids.  I held a job that required leadership and initiative that I was pretty good at doing.  The problem was when I came home and had to figure out how to deal with a marital relationship I became quite passive.

I found it nearly impossible to act with initiative because I had no vision or plan or idea of what I wanted my marriage to look like other than it being fun, easy and comfortable.  But relationships are not always fun, easy or comfortable.  I also did not have a clear feeling or idea of what the future looked like.  None of us knows the future, but it is good to make plans anyway, but I had no plan.  So when my then wife started to talk about relational issues or future issues I was at a loss.  I didn't own a vision so hers would have to do.  The problem was it takes conviction to live out a vision.  Since I was not totally on board but borrowing her vision and didn't own it, I didn't act on it.  It wasn't that important to me in the sense of at all being mine which set me up to just react to what she thought. 


Conviction is the belief in what you are doing or want to do or want to accomplish.  There can be no real personal conviction without vision which makes it hard to do anything if you are really unsure as to where you are going.  Passivity comes to life when you just settle for the now.  Leading or participating actively in a relationship has to do with sharing whatever vision you have with your spouse.  Dating relationships that are getting serious have to do with sharing and finding a match or two in your conviction/vision for your life and how you see someone sharing in that.

First things first, you have to bring something to the table yourself.  It seems easier to allow your wife/girlfriend to set the vision because, very generally speaking, women seem to have a stronger, more detailed and thought out vision of what they want their marriage to look like.  They can articulate it better.  When this happens, the vision setting by the wife/girlfriend alone, you as the man have given up ownership of what is going on.  Now you either compliantly and silently go along with the "plan" thinking that you are showing love by making her happy by letting her have her way(a trap and a lie), or you are resentful and becoming embittered because this plan ain't yours and you point that out when you can.
    

The first step in moving out of passivity is to open up the discussion of the vision of your marriage relationship.  That means you need to share your thoughts about what you think is best even if that means she won't like it.  Because without a plan or vision, there can be nothing to own as your own, and if there is no ownership, there is no action.  Too often what happens within a relationship is passed on to the woman, that stuff has to be shared MUTUALLY.  Once you say "that is her thing, this is my thing" you have lost.

The idea of initiative, that being the first one to start something, is very incompatible with being passive.  Initiative takes vision, courage, passion, and confidence.  Being passive takes waiting, reacting and inaction and just plain hoping that it goes away on it's own.   We will explore more of this in later posts.  If you are realizing that you are a passive man, I can help you find your way out, talk to me shawn@coachingthrough.com

Shawn

Obstacles to Meeting Someone...Your Schedule

"A person always makes time for that which is important...to them"--Unknown

Being productive, being busy, having a lot going on, having a full calendar or being a multi-tasker, can be addictive.  The feeling some people get at "accomplishing" many things in a given day, week or whenever can fill them up...to a point.  Sure, there are times in a year, or in life when certain things have to put on hold for some or few all-consuming events, like school, wedding prep, work, personal illness, family drama, job searches and the like.  Events and situations that come up and have to be handled that distract us from other things that we believe are not as important.  We all make choices of that which is important even if we don't believe or feel we in control of the situation we are in. 

There are people who are too busy for relationships.  They have their reasons, which can be good reasons, and they can be self-destructive reasons.  Establishing one's self in a career can be time consuming whether it is putting in extra time at work to "get ahead" or in training like school, licensing, student teaching, internships etc... But all of this is temporary, it is not meant to go on and on.  It is a season of life.  When a season becomes a lifestyle then you just might miss out on some really important stuff. Turning on the "busy switch" is easy.  Turning off the "busy switch" is a bit murky.  You know the saying, "I was climbing the ladder of success only to find that it was leaning up against the wrong wall". 

Another way we can find ourselves too busy for relationships is that we can't say no.  Especially when our family or friends keep asking things of us it makes it hard to say no because we really care and love these people.  Or even if our work keeps putting pressure on us by asking more or if we work in an competitive environment, we are afraid of saying no.  We lose perspective on what we need when we can't say no to events, helping/service or work because we all need time to process.  We lose 5, 6, 7 years and wonder hey, I need a social life!

Still another way to fill our schedule is trying to juggle too many relationships.  It seems strange, but it is true.  The guilt/obligation/resentment cycle that keeps certain "friendships" going for years when their probably not much friendship left in it.  It is also hard to let go and move on from people who move out of your life.  Through no fault of anyone, people get married, or have job opportunities or whatever that takes them out and instead of letting them go, we try to maintain a type of relationship that is distant but becomes time consuming.  Maybe you are type of person who has so many friends that there are invites galore and they are all fun so to appease your friends you do as many as you can.  Exhausting!

In our world today it is harder and harder to meet someone face to face.  It takes a lot of energy, courage, creativity and INTENTION to make that happen.  If you are interested in being married some day, the longer you let time go by being busy, the less opportunities you will have as those you are connected with get married, or move away.  I am not being an alarmist here.  After college, the pool of prospects gets smaller just because people change.  So it takes a lot of intent, you know, you gotta try probably more than you thought you would ever need to meet people.  You are not desperate, you are focused.  There is a difference.  Focus is about knowing what you want and creating opportunities to get to know people to see if they match.  Desperate will take anything and will justify any potential relationship as real and hopeful when it is not or is unhealthy.

The true test of what a person values is how they spend their time.  If they say they want a life long relationship but are not willing to "make the time" or are waiting for it to just happen, then they are not that serious.  As a Relationship Coach I can help you get focused on getting out there and potentially meeting someone you can share the rest of your life with.  Visit my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/ or contact me via email at shawn@coachingthrough.com for a free consultation, what do got to lose?

Shawn

Obstacles to Meeting Someone...the Fear of Failure

"You get within fifteen feet of that woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button."
- Jerry, to George, in "The Parking Garage"

The fear of failure is common to all.  For some of us, it is motivational, we accomplish things in life because we are driven by fear.  We work hard because we fear we will lose our jobs.  We do our school work(well, some us) because we fear not getting into college which means we may not be able to earn a living.  We follow laws because we fear going to jail.  We perform in relationships so that we don't lose the relationship we are in because we are afraid of being alone.  You get the idea.  But when you are unmarried, overcoming the fear of rejection or overcoming the possibility of personal failure in attracting another person is just too much to risk.  Risk is a part of life.  Being unwilling to risk your heart in any relationship is problematic to relating and to being fulfilled.


I was trying to encourage a friend to not spend so much time at home, to encourage them to get out, make plans, be around people.  Their response was "it's safer to stay here"(at home alone).  Obviously, that was a statement of a person who was afraid to be hurt.  No one likes to be hurt.  No one likes to put their heart out there and ask, "do you like me?" only have the answer be "No".  If that is your history, I am sorry.  Maybe for you, getting past the hurt of the past is just too hard.  If you think this is you, then I suggest talking to someone, a professional counselor.  They can help you get past your past. 


For those who are ready to take a step of "faith" in placing themselves in social situations where you could possibily meet someone and cultivate a long term(marriage) relationship, then I have some ideas for ya...


Networking
At some point you need to talk to someone, preferedly a friend or two, whom you trust are sympathetic to your situation and feelings in your attempts to meet a lifelong partner.  If you can't be open to chatting with a friend, then you are stuck before you start.  Remember, this is a step of faith.  No one said it would be easy.  If you have a friend or two who are open to help you, start thinking about who they know that might be of interest to you. 


Cultivating Your Own Opportunities
If you have a few friends who are unmarried, then start planning dinners, and get togethers with them and invite other unmarried people that they may know.  If you can plan a once a month thing, and people start coming, it just adds to the possibilities of meeting someone special.  It beats sitting at home or just hanging out with the same friend or two.l


Set ups
Being open to being set up is hard.  Some will be ok and some will be bad.  Again, it really depends upon who your friends are.  If they "get you" then the set ups have hope.  If it is the well meaning friend but they put no thought into it then it can be awkward. 


Online Dating
Online dating or meeting people has lots of expectations but a lot of loopholes and misinformation.  It can be a helpful tool if you can not get too amped up over someone emailing you and learn how to sift through the misinformation.  In this day and age, it is hard to meet people, and meeting people online is becoming more "normal" and offers many possibilities.  Be careful not to believe everything you see or read.  No really!


Networking and Creating your own events are probably the least painful way to "step out".  The key is stepping out.  Are you open enough to really talk about your "methods" and previous experiences in dating and meeting people?  Another way to help you is by hiring a Relationship Coach like me.  Relationship Coaches help you focus your efforts in way that suits you.  We are the outside, 3rd party who can provide perspective, and provoke new ideas of how to go about this thing.  Check out my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/ and contact me.  It cost nothing to just talk at least once.  What do you have to lose?


Shawn

Obstacles to Meeting Someone...the Imaginary Audience

I was introduced to the idea of the imaginary audience when I was learning to minister to teens.  As I think we can all remember, the sometimes paralyzing feeling of being "judged" by everyone, especially our appearance.  If you go to a High School sporting event, like a basketball game, you see lone teens coming into the gym.  You will notice that they look nervous, uncomfortable in their own skin and paranoid, like everyone is watching their every move.  That is the imaginary audience, that overwhelming feeling of standing out like a sore thumb and being throroughly conviced that everyone sees you and your faults. 

As single or unmarried people it is hard not to feel this way again.  Whether you are at an event with lots of married people or worse, you are with a married couple and one other single person(looks like a set up to me), or even walking into a room(fashionably late) for an event at someone's house with lots of unmarried people, the imaginary audience returns!  It is hard not to feel that way because it is part "social skills" you know, looking appropriate, hair in place, not over dressed or under dressed, sizing up the room, etc...
Too often though, it goes too far to paralysis.  And paralysis leads to sweaty.

How?  Two key factors can turn a social, fun and relaxed event into a sweaty mess.(sweaty is feeling panicky, uncomfortable in your own skin, heart racing, armpits working over time)  The first factor is by putting too much emphasis on the event itself.  The higher the expectations, the worse the effect of the imaginary audience.  If every event with other unmarrieds is your "last chance" at love then you are defeated before you start.  Nothing makes a person more nervous than hoping for too much in a given interaction.  It makes us hyper sensitive to any comment, action or inaction instead of being relaxed and being ourselves.  It is good to be "aware" of interesting people and interactions by slowing down and just be. 

A way to help lower your expectations and hold off the sweaty is factor number two, is that when we are not spending much time in social situations, it can affect our perspective, you know, make us a little too amped up.  This is the classic guy thing.  A guy spends lots of time doing guy things with guys or being alone in his man cave.  When he gets the itch to find someone, it has probably been a long time so he goes to an event and is really nervous about it or puts too much emphasis on the event.  Why?  Because he is not used to very much just plain old normal interaction with women.  The same can be said with women, being around unmarried guys more often can lower your expectation level of what is going to happen.  So I say get out there and meet people, just to meet people.

I can remember when I was going to start going to a singles group at this Church.  I felt very weird because 1.  I had been married before, 2. I was probably one of the oldest 3.  I had not had lots of purely social interaction with women on a regular basis.  So I approached the meetings as reserved, kept to myself, allowed opportunities to come to me for a bit.  Totally not how I really am, but it was necessary at the time for me to become more comfortable.  The problem is most people stay in that "it's not me" phase and don't transition out.  Or they go nuts and are way too much of themselves.  You see, the greatest obstacle to meeting people is...YOU.  We will talk more about it in my next post.

Shawn
I am a Relationship Coach, I know I can help you or one of your friends.  Email me Shawn@coachingthrough.com, lets talk!

Initiative and Response in Dating

threw you the obvious and you flew, with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same. difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed ,
and passed over, when i've looked right through
to see you oblivious and you don't see me
From the song "3 Libras" from the Group "A Perfect Circle"

I use this idea a lot because I like the idea of it.  Maybe it is my old fashioned sense of a guy stepping out to "get to know" and then "invite" a woman for an evening out or a day activity.  It seems so simple and yet it is very complicated or can get complicated real fast.  The complication is the meaning we attached to "approaches"(I also like the idea of "quotes"!) or conversations we have with people and gets us wondering if there is interest there.  This can start the emotional ball rolling and now you are a bit consumed by it.

I was never the "let's have coffee" then I ask you out.  I employed a type of initiative in which I liked to use the military term "Recon" which is short for reconnaissance which is to check out the possible target.  I called dates Ops or operations so I would do some Recon for a possible Op.  In other words, I would talk to the person of interest or take the opportunity in a larger social setting to observe a little but find a way to get myself noticed a bit.  A good question is how do they respond?  Especially in a conversation, do they laugh when you are trying to be funny?, do they respond with questions about you?  Or do they search the room desperately trying to get away from you?  Do they end the time by excusing themselves?   Or do you feel like you could talk to them a long time?  You won't know if they find you at all interesting unless you TALK TO THEM.  Not talk at them like with endless stories.  Just like the Op or date you go on telling endless stories about yourself is not a conversation nor taking an interest in someone. 

Once you have noticed interest, then invite.  The invitation of "what are you doing this weekend?" is a general question.  Invite them to something!  Have a plan, even if it is the tired dinner & a movie, invite them to that.  Keep the surprises for later because THEY DON'T KNOW YOU.  Be specific, then let them decide how they are going to respond.  You may get the "I'm busy" with nothing attached, then you know to back off.  You see, once the invite is out, you have to work through the response.  It may not be what you thought.  A yes can sound like a no, a no can sound like a yes because 1. you caught them off guard 2.  it's hard to say no when you know someone put themselves out there for you 3.  they are excited and don't know what to say.

I just cover some stuff you probably are quite well aware of except the recon-ops thing(is he like 12 years old?...the answer is yes, yes I am!).  The hard part of all this initiative-response is when you don't get the invite that you want and when you don't get the response you were hoping for.  In either case, beware!  Why?  You gotta know ahead of time what your boundaries/reason expectations are to protect yourself.  Protect yourself from whom?  From yourself.  If you don't get a lot of invites or you don't get a lot of good responses to your initiatives(invites) it opens you up to settle for anything.  It wears on a person and self doubt creeps in and now you are spending time with someone who isn't a good fit.

A few things to beware of...
Just about every woman I've talked to lately has complained about men who, even in casual social large group situations, respond to questions posed by the women with endless stories about themselves.  Unfortunately, most men are conditioned in their conversations to talk about themselves.  It's just what we do with each other.  So anyway...So these guys tend to throw an invite the woman's way, the woman goes out, hoping that he would "take more interest in me by asking a SINGLE QUESTION about her" and she gets the same story laden evening that she got in the other situation.  Very rarely will a guy be non-conversational(story telling) then suddenly be a  question-response-counter question-response guy.  Usually you will know up front.  Sure he showed you interest even in his talking and responding to your question and hanging around but is that what you want?  You have to know what works for you and that is ok.  If the guy isn't a good talker up front, I doubt he will be a good talker/communicator later.

From my own experience, I went out with this woman, had a very good time.  She called me like two days later to arrange a casual(she was doing recon!) get together.  I was very encouraged.  So I invited her to another date, she had to check her schedule and get back to me.  So I waited, and I waited and just about gave up on the whole idea because it was very clear as to when I wanted to do the outing and it was getting late.  But I listen to my Mom and Sister who at the time, really, really wanted me to be with someone(be happy) and they knew I was interested in this woman.  So I called.  Yes, I called and she said yes, let's get together.  Even though she said "she would get back to me" she didn't.  I should have stuck to my boundary and let it go because I did end up in relationship with this person, and the hesitation/uncertainty thing was what I got.  She responded to my imitative but not with the certainty of really putting herself in a lot more.  I needed a fuller hearted match like me, but that wasn't what this was.

Invites and responses, questions and answers, so basic yet filled with subtleties that experience and perspective brings.

Shawn
I have experience and perspective, talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach.  http://www.coachingthrough.com/

I Was Blind But Now I am not as Blind as Before

Mrs. Tolliver: I don't understand. You're psychic?
Patrick Jane: No, just paying attention. I used to make a good living pretending to be a psychic. I tell you this because I want you to understand there's no point hiding things from me.

From the TV show "The Mentalist"

 I guess we're all here, then: someone who wants the truth, someone who wants to be right, and us - the idiots in the middle. Cal Lightman, from the TV Show "Lie to Me"

I love those two shows, the Menalist and Lie to Me.  I know why too.  Because I want to be that guy who can figure stuff out by reading people.  Not reading their minds, but reading their intent.  Ever since I started working with young teenagers, then high schoolers then dealing with adult issues in friends and acquaitences, I saw myself as Patrick Jane would say "paying attention" to others and their patterns and words.  Sure I wanted people to think I was smart but more so that I cared about them.  If you are going to try to help people, you need to focus your attention on them. 

Another reason for my focus on reading people was because I was deceived.  Even more so, I was self-deceived.  That's the part that hurt the most.  Anyone can fool anyone sometimes.  Even Cal or Patrick.  My first marriage ended because of my self-deception.  I was blind.  I was blind as to what was really going on in her and in me.  I was afraid of asking and pursuing questions with my former spouse because the answers were not going to feel very good at all.  Certain topics were avoided because I didn't want to "have problems".  I wanted to believe that everything was good.  Which is fine to a point but it gets a little ridiculous after a while.

Avoiding "problems" is one way but to do that you have to be a bit self-focused.  What I mean is in order not to see stuff well around you and in your relationships, you have to be focused on yourself.  In fact, the more focused you are on yourself the less objective you can be.  When everything(or most things) in your mind revolve around yourself like, protecting your insecurities, avoiding fearful situations, or just dwelling your own perspective on the world, it makes it hard to break out of that to see what is really going on.  I can think of two examples one when I married, and one when I single but dating someone.

When I was married before, I was lousy at doing chores and projects around the house and yard.  Why?  Because I felt that I was not very good with tools(still true but not as big as deal) so I avoided it like the plague.  My previous wife, I believed, would have felt better about things if I would of done some things around the house.  So instead of doing a few things to make her happy, I put my insecurity ahead of her wishes.  Eventually, this bred some contempt on her part towards me because I wasn't doing some things that needed to be done.  I couldn't see what it meant to her because I was too focused on covering my lack of ability.  Was it the end of the world?  No, but it was a significant part of the broken relationship.

Later, when I was single for a few years, I started dating someone.  I was too into it from the start.  I tried not to be but my need for "doing a relationship right" outweighed reality.  She had concerns from the start, and was generally uncertain.  That was her right.  I just didn't want to see that.  I was a great boyfriend but that wasn't the point.  You relate to the person you are with, instead of trying to exorcise the ghost of the past.  So, I really worked at the relationship hard but that blinded me to what she was really saying(she was trying to be nice) that there wasn't a future for us.  Of course I took that really hard.  The relationship went way too long and I was the last to know because I was so bent on "making it work".  It just wasn't going to and that is ok.

Hindsight is always 20/20 they say.  At least I have learned a couple of things.  I know that I still don't see as well when I am sure I am right or think I am right.  I know that I don't see as well when I am getting intense and passionate about something.  Just because I feel something strongly doesn't mean I know what I am talking about.  I have learned to step outside of the "shawn show" more often to see people and what they are saying and meaning.  Like Patrick Jane, I just paying attention, to others more than me.

Shawn
I am Relationship Coach, I can help, check out my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/