It's Complicated, part 2

“You see, I think negative emotions are always trumped by positive emotions.”--Leonardo DiCaprio From the Movie "Inception"

 

Nothing is more complicated than conflicted feelings.  The above quote touches on the fact that we all have feelings that are hopeful/positive and others that are negative/hopeless.  Some of us are very award of our feelings in general, others don't know where their feelings come from nor can they use a descriptive word to express them.  No matter who you are, whether you are "in touch" with your feelings or not, we all come up against those moments of conflicted feelings.

 

Conflicted feelings, when encountered in deciding on pursuing a relationship, should be allowed to sort themselves out.  Some people naturally react to conflicted feelings by holding back, withdrawing or waiting.  Smart move unless you need more info to know if the person you are interested in is interested or even a good match.  Some other people ignore or put aside the conflicted feelings(or even know they are there) and proceed as if everything is good.  Not smart unless it turns out good.  What causes conflicted feelings?

 

Being conflicted has to do with competing feelings of hope and concern.  Feelings of wanting a relationship and feelings of not wanting a bad relationship.  Conflict within yourself can also be seeing "red flags" but being afraid to address them with the other person in the fear that they will be hurt by it or they sense that something is wrong and they bail instead of you or maybe even worse, your worst fears realized that they have issues that just don't work for you and now you need to get out, which is hard to do well.

 

In an established relationship or marriage, conflicted feelings need to be give a little time to let things develop but then need to be addressed if they remain.  No mutual relationship decision, whether it is financial, job related, lifestyle choice(are you uncomfortable with a frequent drinker?) or related to the physical side of the relationship should have one person constantly conflicted about it.  Why?  Because when conflicted most people hold back.  Hold back their beliefs, their convictions, their dreams, their desires and worst of all their heart.  I don't know about you, but if I am in an established relationship, I want someone to be all in and I want to discuss why they are not to see if we can work it out so that you have two whole hearted people loving each other.

 

Conflicted feelings will happen, how long they linger or how they affect the relationship is for you to work out.  If you need someone to talk to about relational conflicted feelings...

 

Talk to Shawn @ www.coachingthrough.com

 

It's complicated...part 1

"Jenna's like me. She's very..."

"Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious?"

"I'll take fastidious."

- Jerry and George, in "The Pothole" from the TV Show Seinfeld

Relationships are complicated because in a relationship you are dealing with a person, a human, someone just like you.  Relationships have certain factors that create complications.  These complications can be good or bad.  Not all complications are bad.  Sometimes, that is the most interesting part of being in a relationship, the complications can bring you closer together.  More often than not, they can end the relationship.  So here is my take on a few complications...

Seeking someone who is 'family' oriented.  Usually means they come from a family that has not experienced divorce, could also mean that they spend lots of time with their family(parents & siblings), usually means constant contact, holidays and even vacations with the family.  Now this becomes complicated when you want someone who is the same...family oriented.  How could sameness/compatibility/shared values become complicated you might ask?

If you take two people who spend a lot of time and energy being in close relationship with parents, brothers and sisters will there be any time for just the two of you?  Will there be time to spend with friends?  Any newly married person will tell you that creating 'couples' relationships are tricky because if all four of you don't get along, that is complicated(another story for another time).  Holidays,  birthdays, illnesses, house/yard projects, vacation time, I ask which family will you spend which holiday with?  Birthdays, if your family is used to getting a gift from you and now you don't have it in your budget or you want to spend more than your spouse thinks you need to spend...things are getting complicated fast! 

What seemed on the surface as a nice shared value(which it is) and a reassuring feeling that your spouse or relationship partner feels the same as you do about family, has become a source of tension, conflict, frustration.  Or could become those things if you don't learn to work together, become a team or have a vision for your relationship.  Team work, vision and working together(communication) help create boundaries that help you and your spouse/partner navigate the family time options with minimal....complications. 

If you would like help in sorting this kind of thing out...talk to Shawn, relationship coach @
http://coachingthrough.com check it out.

The Difference Between Hearing and Listening

"Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating"--Jim Carrey from the Movie, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"

We all get into conversations or we all get "talked at" at some point in our relationships where it does seem that the other person is constantly talking.  Listening is about valuing the other person.  You may not like what they are saying or even care, but to be a caring person, listening not hearing  them, because whatever it is they are saying, they apparently care a lot about.  Relationships work best when we take an interest in what the other person is interested in and the ability and choice of listening really shows them that you care.

In order to listen, you have to be there, in the moment.  In other words, you cannot drift off to your own thoughts.  Distraction is really disrespectful.  When you are in relationship with someone, and they have something to say about their day, their friendships or whatever, this is your opportunity to show that you care by...listening.  Listening takes focus and attention to detail.  Focus and attention to detail takes the exercise of your will.  It is a choice.  Either you choose to listen or you choose to act like you are hearing them.  What is the difference?  How will the other person know you are "there" and that you care about what they are saying?

You can show you are tracking with them by asking questions.  Asking questions, at the right time, shows that you are taking an interest in their thoughts.  Questions especially aimed at how they feel about it or what they thought about what was going on bring out more of the story and their part in it.  By asking questions, you get a better sense of your relationship partner's emotional and thought process.  You learn about them.  Don't miss the opportunity!  Also, by asking questions, you can gauge if you are supposed to give your opinion/problem solve or just listen.  It can be hard to know what the other person wants, if you don't know ask, "is this one of the times you want me to...just listen or help?"

Hearing what someone is saying is a rather detached way of involving yourself.  Listening brings you into their world.  A good relational characteristic to have is being "others centered".  It is nearly impossible to have a deep meaningful relationship with anyone if you are "self-seeking" or "self-absorbed".  If your tolerance/endurance for listening to your relationship partner is low, then this area needs to grow for you.  Over time, there will be topics and stories that you know do not interest your partner.  That is ok too.  But when they are excited/passionate about something, you should be all in.  Because nothing should make you  happier than to listen to them share their heart.

The same could be said for when they are feeling down or discouraged.  Creating a safe environment to share negative feelings like anger or sadness and loss comes when you know that the other person will be listening.  What makes it safe is that they know you are taking to heart their heart.  Nothing brings a couple closer than the freedom to share from the heart.  That kind of transparency is what makes relationships last a life time.  Transparency does not happen without two people committed to listening to each other.  Take the time, to focus and be there for your loved one.

Shawn

The Things We Think But Don't Say, Part 4

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." --Mark Twain

 

For some of us, expressing, hurt, anger, offense and other negative emotions is really hard.  For others, it is where we live.  It is to those who hold in or distrust their feelings in this area I speak to.  Like the quote from above, anger or hurt when not expressed within a relationship will eat you up.  You may think you are being noble, or sensitive but really you are not, your are being careless with the relationship.   If you value yourself, the other person you are in relationship to and you value the relationship yourself, you will need to explain how you feel.

 

It is interesting to me that expression of positive feelings, love, compliments and affirmations which can help to build and affirm a relationship are ALWAYS seen as good but can also be empty, manipulative and ignorant.  Yet, the expression of negative feelings are ALWAYS seen as bad.  I do not think this is so.  I believe the expression of negative feelings when done well bring depth, healing and growth to a relationship.  The problem is that there isn't alot of good examples of how this is done.  We are not taught how this works.  Confrontation, correction and truth telling even if it challenges the other person's feelings and views of "how they are doing" in the relationship is so scary.

 

The benefits of expressing hurt or offense are that the other person in the relationship can learn more about you.  You can learn about them when they either take to heart your feelings or they ignore or use the information to hurt you some more.  That is important to know especially if you are in a pre-marriage situation.  Negative feelings usually have a story attached of not just one experience but experiences that reinforce the feelings.  As a relationship partner, you need to know the back story and how it plays out.

 

Another benefit of expressing hurt or offense is to ease the anger and resentment that can build within you.  Nothing kills communication, trust and affection like anger/resentment.  Anger and resentment will happen, but how long it lingers within your heart is your responsibility as the holder of such feelings.  You need to talk about it.  Just like a balloon, filling and filling with air, sooner or later you will pop.  Being non-confrontational at all costs will cost you and will cost you the relationship.  Even if you don't do it well, you gotta get it out.

 

Lastly, no one can read your mind or heart.  No one can care for you if you don't share your feelings.  Now if for some reason you just don't believe there is a problem or you just can't find a way to share how you feel or you have no clue as to why you feel the way you do, then seek professional counselling.  They can help you understand the wounds of the past and how they relate to your relationships now. 

 

So don't hold it share it, find out if the one you are with can love you for better or...worse.

 

Shawn

The Things We Think But Don't Say, Part 3

"Give me, Give me, I need, I need, I'll do the work, I am not a slacker!"--Bob to Dr. Marvin from the Movie "What About Bob?"

Probably the hardest thing to say out loud within an established relationship or marriage is "I need" or "This is really important to me" or "This means everything to me".  You would think that statements of negativity would be harder but really they come a bit too naturally and usually just fly out of mouths when we get really mad.  There is something really scary about saying that we have need or express importance about something.  Why is that?

I think it is because we are afraid that the other person in the relationship will laugh at us.  Or they will tell us how selfish we are or they won't understand what we are asking for.  That when we express need, we open ourselves up to disappointment.  If we just settle for what is and try to make that work, then that is good enough.  Well, I will tell you, it isn't.  If we want to experience the love and care from another on a deep, satisfying level, then we need to TELL THEM.

Another thing that we all do is hold these expectations that the other person in the relationship will "figure it out".  It is kinda like a relational/emotional Easter egg hunt.  We throw out hints hoping that the other person "gets us" and when they don't, we get resentful and frustrated and feel unloved.  Really?  Are we in relationship with mind readers?  Or have we bought into some Hollywood idea of love and relationships where we wait for the other person to come running to us in which they say the very thing that "completes us". 

I don't think it is fair to hold huge expectations on people when you have not told them how you feel or think.  Remember, we all have our own versions of how we see the world.  Communication is about expressing ideas, feelings, hopes and dreams in a way that the OTHER person understands.  Communication is not saying things in such a way that you get it and they should too...if they care or are not stupid.  It is YOUR responsibility to make sure they understand.  Then and only then, can you begin to have some expectation of the other person in the relationship.  This is especially true of married people, since each of us has a different vision of what marriage is supposed to look like(really, has anyone seen a very good, workable example?). 

Another reason we don't say "I need" is because we ourselves don't really understand what we need.  We don't like to think about it, or we lie to ourselves in thinking...I don't need or worse, it is all about the other person's needs.   If you cannot identify your own needs in a loving relationship, then you will not find much satisfaction nor happiness nor longevity of relationship.
Also, another reason not to say "I need" is the trust issue.  Maybe you don't say it because you don't trust that the other person will come through or attempt to meet your need.  There could be good reason for you feel this, or you could just be protecting yourself for no reason.  Either way, you gotta find that trust if you want the relationship to last which means, you may need to talk about something you really don't want to talk about...past hurts and disappointments.

Shawn

  If you want a long lasting, satisfying relationship, then each of you must learn to express need. 

The Things We Think But Don't Say, Part 2

"And it's been awhile,Since I can say that I wasn't addicted, And it's been awhile, Since I can say I love myself as well, And it's been awhile, Since I've gone and f****** things up just like I always do, And it's been awhile,
But all that s*** seems to disappear when I'm with you"--"It's Been A While" by Staind from the CD "Break The Cycle"

The vibe from the lyrics to the Song "It's Been A While" has to do with something we often don't say but act out or feel but don't always express.  It has to do with the belief or the feeling that we as individuals are no good.  Once you buy into that belief system of "I can't do anything right", it is kind of an implosion feeding on itself.  Most often this thinking is seen in our relationships because relationships don't make things magically disappear but shine a big huge light on our self esteem. 

Self hate, self doubt,  and self consciousness are confidence killers.  Confidence(not arrogance, there is a difference), protects us from ourselves and others.  Being sure of who you are allows you to identify and act on mistreatment.  "I don't have to live like this", or "I don't have to take this from you or anyone else" can be good statements that allow us to call out mistreatment and abuse.  When you have self doubt, it is really hard to trust your feelings and act on anything.  If you feel you can't do anything right, then you will doubt most of your actions, especially those within a relationship.  Why act?  You will probably screw it up anyway, or so the line of thinking goes.

Self hate keeps the good things out because we cannot receive them.  That is why when someone who truly cares speaks into your life you can't believe what they say, nothings sticks.
Social skills teach us not to say, "I hate myself".  But when push comes to shove and we are in a confrontive situation, we will throw out the "I can't do anything right" defense.  It changes nothing.

Until you begin to believe in yourself in the sense of "I have a lot to offer", or "I am not perfect but I am valuable contributor", or the like, you should not be in any relationship.  You gotta get that fixed.  How?  If you are ready for change, and really want to take a good hard look inside, seek out a professional counselor.  If you are already married and feel like this all the time, then seek out a professional counselor.  Please note:  Professional counselors can only help as much as you are willing to be honest with yourself.  They are not magicians.

Shawn

The Things We Think But Don't Say, Part 1

"Ninety percent of what you're saying isn't coming out of your mouth.”--Will Smith from the Movie "Hitch"

Obviously, saying everything that comes to mind isn't a good idea.  It's called 'social skills'.  Not everybody is interested in what in EVERYTHING you think.  Some of us do have a problem with saying too much, giving away too much information, we are bad poker players.  There are others that rarely say anything that matches what they think or feel.  What they say is a diversion from some deep insecurity or secret.  They are great poker players.  Everyone of us whether you are a more private person or an expressive transparent person holds back on some important ideas and feeling that make them quite hesitant to express.  One of those items which I believe is common to all is the phrase/question, "What did that mean?"

The meaning to words, phrases, actions, inaction and the like, can escape us.  We as individuals struggle to not read into words and actions, but we cannot help it.  Why?  Because in relationships especially, there is a lot riding on the outcome of the meaning of words and actions.  Here are some examples...trying to figure out if the other person is interested in you, trying to figure out when and how to move the relationship along, within a marriage relationship pick a situation/phrase, trying to figure out if your marriage is ending, etc... There are many more, some big, some small from "I'm tired" to "I'm busy" to "I love you" to "he just grabbed my ass".

Things get confusing for a few reasons.  One of those is timing.  The other person does or says something that you are not prepared for or expecting.  To you, it is not at all what you were thinking, to them they see it as "the next step".  Another confusing thing is definitions.  Word and actions mean different things to different people at different times(see my previous blog posts on Meaning).  We get so locked into our own definitions, that we miss another's idea of what stuff means.  Still another confusing thing is trying to over analyze.  We over analyze when we get anxious(for a relationship to start, for a relationship to grow deeper, for signs of the end of relationship or marriage).  Our own anxious/worry/stress/insecurity drives us to feel fear so we start seeing things that may or may not be there.  This is where we become our own worst enemy.

We think but don't say "what did that mean" because we also don't want to be wrong.  Who wants to be the person asking "what did that mean" and get the answer, "nothing, why are you asking"?  Then you have to explain what you are thinking.  Try applying that to the above examples.  In other situations though, asking the question "What did that mean?" can really help you understand the other person(if they are being honest).  If it is important to you, then ask, especially if you are in an established relationship or are married.  If you are married, asking "what did that mean?" is key to communication.  Instead of jumping to conclusions, ask.  Even if you cannot ask in the moment, you are allowed to revisit a statement or action after the fact.  Same goes for those of you in an established relationship.  Clarity allows you to think and feel appropriately.  It is hard to think/feel/act when you are not sure what is going on or where the other person is coming from.

Take the risk of feeling stupid, by asking what things mean.  Sure, the other person can lie, but like Will Smith said...90% of what you are saying isn't coming out of your mouth.

Shawn