Marital Mayhem: Separate Lives

It is no secret that when two people get married, the differences become more obvious.  There is something about living with another person that you really see who they are, their tendencies, habits and attitudes.  Dating someone is wonderful fun because you can just go home to your world again and process.  When you are engaged, you are in planning mode, decision making mode with the focus on a very special event your wedding.  But when you are married, there is no where to go.  The other person is always around which can be good and bad at the same time.  Figuring out what is acceptable time apart, doing what with whom is also tricky.  So there are many layers to this togetherness, and living in close proximity to one another with many implications.

Over time, though, there can develop separate lives yet still be married.  If both work, if one works another stays  home, starting a business, or one is finishing school(or starting) can create two worlds.  Work, careers, schooling are all related to income and quality of life and certain expectations of what you want out of life.  There is no doubt that two worlds are formed when one of the married couples seeks their identity from what they do or earn more than developing as a team.  It is the classic case of sacrificing to "get ahead" and sacrificing to be "financially secure".  The problem with those goals is that they are so subjective and open ended that no one really knows what being secure and getting ahead looks like.  Again, usually one of the couple struggles more with this concept than the other.  Rarely, but still possible is that you have two people who feel exactly the same regarding what they do.

Another way that two worlds can be created is when one person doesn't respect what the other person does with their time either in their job or in their free time.  No one will really want to talk about their day with their spouse when the "listener" tries to problem solve or correct their spouse.  Sharing your day is really important in gaining understanding of your loved one.  How THEY felt not how you feel is the topic at the moment.  How much they share about their day says a lot too.  Details and events are important in that there is transparency and lets the other person into their world even if it is a bit mundane sometimes.  When one person doesn't care, or want to listen to the other person's day and their feelings about it then the spouse without the listening ear at home will find it somewhere else.  Whether you are staying at home with the kids, or on the road selling or meeting, it is important to be a listener not a nitpicker.  This does not mean you can't ask questions.  In fact, if no one is asking you questions, they don't care or are distracted or worse afraid to ask.

I only mention the "finding someone else" because it is human nature to be understood.  As to how far that goes from sympathetic listener to lover is another matter with many factors.  But ask yourself, how many times have you heard stories of people having affairs with people they work with or near?  They spend most of their day in close proximity with others who "get" what is going on.  If you don't take some interest in your spouse's world, there are other people they can connect with about it.  The feeling of "not being understood" says a lot about the nature of the intimacy you are experiencing at home.  Maybe it is time to take the risk an ask, "do you feel like I understand where you are coming from?" "do you feel like I am listening to you?".  Just a thought.  Mayhem is not always very obvious to spot, it creeps into relationships too.

Lastly, what we do with our free time says a lot about the nature of our marriage.  Certain hobbies take time and money and are hard to give up or not do as much.  There is a balance to find in which you are not made to feel guilty and are not neglecting your marriage.  Time spent requires lots of communication and ownership of what is going on.  Each spouse is challenged in participating in some events and activities that are not their favorite.  Each spouse is challenged to allow for the other spouse to have time away, doing what they like to do.  You don't have to understand why they like doing what they do, but as a spouse, you should be supporting those things that make them happy.  Like I said, balancing.  This requires honest, direct communication as to what each person needs.

Living Separate lives requires a slow slide into different worlds.  Unlike defensiveness or criticism which are openly evident, separation within the heart is hidden from view.  I know the separate lifestyle because I experienced it.  Talk to me I can help.  Contact me shawn@coachingthrough.com

Shawn

Marital Mayhem: Cutting Criticism

Marie Barone: Who keeps pornography for twenty-nine years?
Frank Barone: Anyone married to you.
From the TV Show "Everybody Loves Raymond"

The tricky thing about criticism is that it can be really helpful or really damaging.  Being critical within a marriage relationship is a delicate matter.  Why?  Because people, individuals, humans, men, women are fragile people even if they act like they don't care.  In a long term(life long) relationship you will need to correct your spouse for things that they say, or don't say, things they do and don't do so that they can understand how they are coming off to you and others.  We all are a bit delusional when it comes to how we see ourselves and our behavior vs. REALITY.  Everyone experiences blindness so we all need help seeing.

My wife lets me know when I am being inappropriate with my words to others.  I like to talk and I like to joke around.  I have learned to think more before I open my mouth, I have learned to choose my words more carefully because of my wife.  I trust her take on me.  I need someone to call me on my stuff.  I especially need someone who will do it directly(so that it gets my attention) and clearly(so that I don't get defensive).  I don't always like it and have to really keep my ears open but I am trying to make that change.

What turns criticism into a attack that is cutting or wounding is when there is lots of background frustration.  This frustration in the background can arise from an number of reasons.   One is not saying anything about a certain behavior or attitude so that you don't experience conflict.  Another reason is unmet expectations that you are so thoroughly convinced that "everybody knows and understands" but your spouse doesn't.  Unresolved anger would be another reason for background frustration either because it is unspoken or because you are holding something against your spouse that is well known.  Lastly, you are frustrated because you have spelled out how you feel nicely, patiently and directly yet your spouse doesn't value what you said so you boil over with a cutting remark.

Criticism is pointing out a mistake or problem.  Marital Mayhem ensues when it is done intensely, and with a personal edge questioning of character and ability.  Keep the topic, THE topic.  If your spouse isn't listening to you and it is driving you nuts, ask them why.  Or ask them if your delivery, timing and/or expectations are an issue with them.  If you don't trust each other, then the effectiveness of your direct correction will only cause damage, withdrawal and breed more distrust.  Not being able to trust each other with our feelings kills intimacy and pretty soon one of you is looking for a "nicer" person.   Remember, not everybody gets to experience this type of relationship and it takes work to create, nurture and protect it.  Distrust leads to bad feelings, which leads to bad attitudes which lead to bad actions and words which leads to Mayhem.

I had a marriage in Mayhem so I know what it can be like.  It doesn't have to be that way, talk to me
I can help...shawn@coachingthrough.com or visit my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/

Shawn

Marital Mayhem: Overflowing Anger

For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.--Jesus from Luke 6:46

Ok, the quote I chose is a bit 'preachy' and there is more context to that verse.  In saying that, though, when we speak and how we say things does give away what is going within.  Let's be honest here, when things are not going well, we usually 'vent' to someone and they get to hear all the anger and frustration going on.  Hopefully, they are a sympathetic ear and friend. Sure, there are times in a person's life when things get a bit dark and gloomy and that is their outlook and therefore what you hear them saying.  I am not talking about average human behavior here.

Anger happens in marriage, big surprise, master of the obvious, I know.  You do have to find ways to express anger toward your spouse, but the problem is, we didn't have very good examples to follow.  You take two people, they get married.  Most likely, one came from a home where it was loud and expressive and the other from where it was quiet and subdued.  Already you have a person who is way too comfortable "blowing up" in any confrontation or discussion that touches them emotionally.   Meanwhile, you have another person who is shocked and amazed by such a display because that is not what they saw their parents do and figure that it is normal to hide anger.(remember, we all get stuck in what we think is "normal" to us). 

This gaping chasm of difference, all by itself can create Marital Mayhem.  When we get locked into our own preset ideas of what confrontation, anger and emotional subject matter looks like as it plays out, then that can kill communication.  The loud expressive person can't understand what they are doing wrong and find it hard to hear that they are 'way too intense and angry sounding" to the point that they are scaring the other person.  Not listening to another saying..."I don't like talking to you when you get so mad" is problematic.  That is a big clue that whatever you are trying to say is not being heard.  Also, shutting down because someone is getting "worked up" over a difficult conversation or relational subject matter because it is not being delivered to your "comfort level" makes the other person feel not heard.  Mayhem is created by choosing not to hear each other.  Intimacy is lost or damaged in the process.

There is no doubt, though that constantly losing your temper or not being able to be in a hard conversation because of your emotional outburst, kills the conversation.  What needs to be said, heard and responded to in a coherent manner so that understanding, healing and change can occur, will not happen if almost every time your anger overflows to shouting, stomping, name calling, blaming and general irrationality, then you got Mayhem.  Reacting, or overreacting is not listening.  Sure your spouse could be bringing up stuff that is totally off-base and not true but it is up to you to help them understand where you are coming from and shouting and slamming things around isn't going to get you there. 

There can be no growth of the relationship, no intimacy nor a long term hope that this marriage will last when intimacy is often damaged by an inability to listen calmly, to seek understanding, to communicate your feelings appropriately.  In order to be "intimate" you got to hear what the other person is saying and if you can't then your marriage will be Mayhem. 

Got an anger problem?  It's a problem when those WHO LOVE YOU tell you.  Listen, get help from a professional counselor. 

Shawn

Martial Mayhem: Defensiveness

"You've never felt remorse."
"I know. I feel bad about that."

- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Foundation"

I have often been regarded as someone who can make a person defensive.  I have been told that I can create a "look" on my face that makes people feel dumb.  Well, maybe not feel dumb, but a look that I can give that says "I think you are dumb".  Or I have been told that I can ask questions in a certain way that can make people uncomfortable and unsure of themselves.  I have an interrogation sort of style sometimes, or so it seems to others.  From all this, I get the impression that I have some sort of power or ability or social flaw that puts people on the defensive.  Just what are they protecting anyway?

Protecting themselves from perceived threats that's what.  Part instinctual, part learned(nature vs. nurture anybody?), we all tend to get defensive when a sensitive part of us (our insecurity, our fears, our wounds from previous experiences, our lack of confidence, etc...) is touched or poked at.  It is perfectly normal to be defensive from time to time.  Everybody is not privileged to dive into your life, your flaws, your issues, real or imagined.  It takes a certain type of relationship, hopefully filled with trust so that another may go there.

I call this series Marital Mayhem because it has to do with patterns that can exist within marriages that create trouble.  The type of trouble when unchecked can destroy relationships and marriages.  How is being overly defensive damaging?  The three areas that come to mind are a type of 'backlash' that is quite intense, angry, seemingly random.  Another is the 'I am not responsible' defensiveness that tends to throw it back in your face that you have the problem.  The third doesn't look defensive but it is very unhealthy, the 'it's all my fault' taking too much responsibility when really the person is just trying to get the other person off their back.

The backlash comes out of left field in that we can touch on some one's issue(s) without really knowing it until they freak out at you.  Then you know.  Usually though, it really wasn't anything you did, it was something(s) done well before you that has caused your spouse to be so abruptly cranky and fierce.  Your crime was that you stumbled upon it by accident but are now the recipient of the angst that really was meant for whomever hurt them.  When a person doesn't want to hear or accept that you meant them no harm or meant to cause them such pain but talk to them about an area of their life that needs addressing(we all have them), you got trouble.  If some area is so painful that they can't see that you are a friend and not a foe then over time if it does not change you have Mayhem.  Withholding trust in any one area over years of being together damages intimacy.  The you can go there, and there but not THERE does not fit with the marriage relationship.  It can be worked out over time but it is a pattern worth noting and addressing.

The throw back, as I like to call it is a counter attack.  When feeling defensive, it can help throw off your spouse by blaming them for the same thing or bringing up something else.  The whole purpose is to change the subject and to get the spot light off of you and on to them.  The person who uses the "throw back" probably struggles with taking responsibility for their actions and also has a hard time saying sorry.  When you approach your spouse with any sort of criticism or question of what they are doing or even wanting to talk to them about something you are concerned about, you get throw back.  There can be no growth of intimacy if you and your spouse are not willing to admit wrongs, seek forgiveness or taking responsibility for one's own actions.  Mayhem within your marriage is a reality.

Lastly, "it's all my fault" tactic of defensiveness seems really less defensive than it is.  A person is taking responsibility right?  Well, maybe.  Sometimes it is easier to say sorry than to disagree.  Avoiding confrontation can be done a number of ways but constantly saying your sorry can buy time.  It usually gets the other person off your back.  The problem with this "admission" is that it can be a cover for deeper resentment that is unspoken.  They aren't sorry.  They just don't know how to communicate within a conflict.  Nothing is going to change WITHIN them, only the outward behaviors and now they are managing you.  The unspoken or "stuffed down" disagreements will create much Mayhem when they and you least expect it.  Anger has a way to make a person do and think some very irrational things that they justify easily.  Anger is a intimacy killer.  Very difficult to "get close" to someone emotionally when you are mad at them all the time.

I have been there.  I am not a counsellor, but I am someone who used defensiveness to my and my 1st marriage's detriment.  I am a Relationship Coach, and I can help.  Contact me shawn@coachingthrough.com.

Shawn

Time Will Tell

"A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it, so it turned against you. Same thing happened to the Blob." - Jerry, in "The Ex-Girlfriend"

New relationships and evolving(or devolving) dating relationships need time.  Why?  They need time to bring to light the hidden things.  Not that everybody is liar or a cheat or harboring some unspoken thing, time brings to light a person's or couple's way of dealing with life.  Life happens and how we react to it says a lot about our character, point of view and values.  If you are looking for matches in how you do life with another, give it time together and you will find out.  

 If I could go back in time and read this blog(that I wrote myself to myself) it would have been to apply this method of giving any relationship more time.  The problem was that I was either too excited or too insecure or a little of both.  Intoxicated by the possibility of reciprocated feelings in someone I clearly had an interest in was sometimes too much.  Why wait when it felt so right, right?  Feeling anxious that a "good one will get away" it was time to act, you know try and close the deal because the opportunity might be lost.  Giving to a relationship going nowhere is not fun and it can really end up hurting a whole lot more than it being over at the beginning.  Trust me I know.


As time passes while you are dating someone allows for patterns to appear.  Patterns are habits, deeply ingrained that each person has that helps them navigate situations.  Job loss, death of a loved one, car breaks down, how they deal with their own family, how they deal with finances, overall direction development, career development are just some of the things that given time, will illustrate patterns.  The mistake many people make is that they "wish them away", when the patterns are unattractive or a bad fit.  Or worse, they think the person will change or can be changed.  How someone relates to their own Mother goes all the way to the bone.  It is a pattern that only changes somewhat if they end up in counselling.  

Another thing about time and pre-marriage/pre-engagement relationships is that they allow you to see just how "into you" they are.  It is important to have the certainty of "strong connection".  Too often, one person or  the other is putting way more of themselves into the relationship than the other.  What you want is a mutual giving.  Now this is a dangerous thought as it can end up in "scorekeeping" which is not good in a marriage.  I do think some scorekeeping is a wise idea in a pre-marriage relationship as a way to assess the relationship.  If you are the type to plan everything, or initiate most or all of the important conversations, or are too available then backing off and keeping your mouth shut will reveal much.  If it is real early in the relationship process and you are wondering if "this is going anywhere", wait.  Working too hard at a relationships sometimes does not allow the other person involved to act or share or speak.  Remember, everybody does not move at the same speed but there should be some movement.

Even the most shy, introverted person will "tip their hand" over time.  If they are really digging you, they will not be able to contain the feelings and the feelings will leak out.  If someone is unsure of you and the relationship, that too will come to light without a direct question.  Sure there is a time for direct questions regarding the depth and nature of relationship, but to be better equipped for that discussion, allow time to do it's thing.  If you are jumpy, anxious or too excited, remember, everybody does not see the world just like you.  Nor does their process and time frame.  Take a deep breath and don't be in a hurry, time will take care of it.

Having trouble sorting out time and your own personal anxiousness?  Talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach

contact me shawn@coachingthrough.com or check out my website www.coachingthrough.com

Shawn

The Passive Single Man

Signs that the guy you may be interested in or the guy you are currently dating is a Passive Single Guy...

Talks a lot about himself, not in an arrogant manner but about all the things he does or has done
Struggles with making decisions, especially in setting up dates and outings(like going out to dinner)
Not willing to try something new(only likes to do things he is familiar with)
Too willing to try something new(probably hates it but won't say a word and just pretend to like it)
Has no close(intimate) friends
When you drop hints as to what you like, he never picks up on it(not tuned in)

Has great difficulty in sharing any depth of what he is feeling especially when it is bad feelings
Never or rarely challenges your treatment of him(more personal not schedule or event conflict)
Is a bad question asker(doesn't draw you out or asks then cuts you off) or doesn't ask a lot of questions

The last three characteristics mentioned above is a way to gauge a guy's ability to create intimacy.
Intimacy(not the sexual kind), is an elusive characteristic in most relationships.  Intimacy takes transparency, courage, responsibility, and initiative.  Creating intimacy means stepping outside yourself
and your agenda/comfort zone and focus your attention on someone.  "Learning Each Other" in a relationship takes giving, listening, sharing and time.  The key to intimacy is trust.  It is earned, practiced and developed over time.

We are not all "finished products" when we meet someone or when we get married.  There are, though, some key elements that are needed.  The Passive Single Man needs to be aware of his own challenges.  You see, the difference between a Passive Single Man and a Man is that a Man faces the challenges of lack of courage, or lack of knowledge of women.  A Man pursues that which he wants.  A Passive Single Man gets stuck in himself.  His awareness is low, his willingness to be open to change is low or non-existent.  He does not want to leave his world because it is easy and safe.  There is no way the Passive Single Man will experience relational intimacy, just a sharing of facts and events.

The Passive Single Man lives in a world of his own creation.  Technology toys capture his attention like shiny objects to toddlers.  Physical expressions like rock climbing, biking, playing sports or just being outdoors getting sweaty can take up lots of time.  Building stuff, fixing cars or whatever occupy his mind.  Creating art, playing music or mastering an instrument absorbs his energy and focus.  None of these are bad but they do get in the way of making time for relationships.

To step out of his world, is to step into the unknown.  More often than not, the Passive Single Man will try to recreate his world in the New World.  He talks about what interests him.  He looks for a woman who will do this stuff with him.   Since he doesn't feel confident or comfortable, he doesn't take risks.  He goes with what he knows which unfortunately for him, most women do not find interesting.  The New World(the one with women in it who want intimacy), can be a threat to his world so why go there anyway if I can't get to do what I like?

Making mistakes and rejection are part of learning to relate to people and most of all women.  It is all trial and error and that is ok.  If you don't try, you don't learn.  The question for the Passive Single Man is...
how bad do you want to experience love/intimacy and friendship for a lifetime?  The proof is your willingness to set aside your safe world for your chance at Love.

Talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach who can help individuals and couples(married or dating) with their Relationships!  Contact me at shawn@coachingthrough.com or check out my website www.coachingthrough.com

Shawn

The Passive Man: Lives in Isolation

"A lot of times, women don't get the male perspective in regards to a relationship, what men go through when they're not really dealing well. "---Morris Chestnut

When we think of the word, Isolation, we can often think to extremes like Tom Hanks in "Castaway".  Quite literally alone, cut off, against his will from people, from those he cares about.  Yet we all know that isolation occurs quite often in families, marriages, and other social situations.  You don't have to be the Unabomber, living in some cabin somewhere to be isolated, nor stranded.  For many people, especially men, they are isolated by choice.  For others, they are isolated by a season of life or circumstances though it tends to run on and on.  Either way, neither are isolated against their will at least not for very long.

The Passive Man often lives in isolation even if he has friends, family, a spouse, and children.  How is that possible?  You can totally be in the same room observing or even somewhat participating without being all there.  How does that work?  From the previous post, you are a manager.  You manage your spouse or girlfriend in a way where there is no real intimacy just pretend because you feel like what you have to say will cause a problem.  Once you go down the path of managing, it is hard to turn it off in other situations and relationships.  It is easier to avoid possible problems(conflict) by pretending but over time it eats you up.

At the core of the Passive Man is a crisis of confidence.  Nothing drives men from social situations than previous failures.  The tension of risking rejection and wanting a intimate(not just sexual but transparent) relationship is quite real.  It doesn't even have to be a social failure it can be a professional failure(real or imagined) that can drive man into passivity.   That caused my isolation as a younger man as I felt I had failed but  could not process that with my then wife.  I could have shared that with a couple of closer guy friends but I didn't because I felt so lousy, I really didn't want to talk about it.  So I hid.  And pretended.  And managed.

Part of the trick to building more self confidence is gaining genuine affirmation from others.  Yes, men need affirmation!  Affirmation has the power to change a way a person thinks about themselves when it is delivered at the right time, about the right thing by the right person(s).  Everybody needs reassurance that they are on the right track or that they are valuable contributors, or that they are just doing something good.

There can be no affirmation if you don't try.   There can be no affirmation without risk.  There can be no affirmation without transparency.  And there can be no affirmation if you live in isolation.

Talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach, I can help because I have been there!  Contact me at shawn@coachingthrough.com or visit my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/.

Shawn