Martial Mayhem: Defensiveness

"You've never felt remorse."
"I know. I feel bad about that."

- Elaine and Jerry, in "The Foundation"

I have often been regarded as someone who can make a person defensive.  I have been told that I can create a "look" on my face that makes people feel dumb.  Well, maybe not feel dumb, but a look that I can give that says "I think you are dumb".  Or I have been told that I can ask questions in a certain way that can make people uncomfortable and unsure of themselves.  I have an interrogation sort of style sometimes, or so it seems to others.  From all this, I get the impression that I have some sort of power or ability or social flaw that puts people on the defensive.  Just what are they protecting anyway?

Protecting themselves from perceived threats that's what.  Part instinctual, part learned(nature vs. nurture anybody?), we all tend to get defensive when a sensitive part of us (our insecurity, our fears, our wounds from previous experiences, our lack of confidence, etc...) is touched or poked at.  It is perfectly normal to be defensive from time to time.  Everybody is not privileged to dive into your life, your flaws, your issues, real or imagined.  It takes a certain type of relationship, hopefully filled with trust so that another may go there.

I call this series Marital Mayhem because it has to do with patterns that can exist within marriages that create trouble.  The type of trouble when unchecked can destroy relationships and marriages.  How is being overly defensive damaging?  The three areas that come to mind are a type of 'backlash' that is quite intense, angry, seemingly random.  Another is the 'I am not responsible' defensiveness that tends to throw it back in your face that you have the problem.  The third doesn't look defensive but it is very unhealthy, the 'it's all my fault' taking too much responsibility when really the person is just trying to get the other person off their back.

The backlash comes out of left field in that we can touch on some one's issue(s) without really knowing it until they freak out at you.  Then you know.  Usually though, it really wasn't anything you did, it was something(s) done well before you that has caused your spouse to be so abruptly cranky and fierce.  Your crime was that you stumbled upon it by accident but are now the recipient of the angst that really was meant for whomever hurt them.  When a person doesn't want to hear or accept that you meant them no harm or meant to cause them such pain but talk to them about an area of their life that needs addressing(we all have them), you got trouble.  If some area is so painful that they can't see that you are a friend and not a foe then over time if it does not change you have Mayhem.  Withholding trust in any one area over years of being together damages intimacy.  The you can go there, and there but not THERE does not fit with the marriage relationship.  It can be worked out over time but it is a pattern worth noting and addressing.

The throw back, as I like to call it is a counter attack.  When feeling defensive, it can help throw off your spouse by blaming them for the same thing or bringing up something else.  The whole purpose is to change the subject and to get the spot light off of you and on to them.  The person who uses the "throw back" probably struggles with taking responsibility for their actions and also has a hard time saying sorry.  When you approach your spouse with any sort of criticism or question of what they are doing or even wanting to talk to them about something you are concerned about, you get throw back.  There can be no growth of intimacy if you and your spouse are not willing to admit wrongs, seek forgiveness or taking responsibility for one's own actions.  Mayhem within your marriage is a reality.

Lastly, "it's all my fault" tactic of defensiveness seems really less defensive than it is.  A person is taking responsibility right?  Well, maybe.  Sometimes it is easier to say sorry than to disagree.  Avoiding confrontation can be done a number of ways but constantly saying your sorry can buy time.  It usually gets the other person off your back.  The problem with this "admission" is that it can be a cover for deeper resentment that is unspoken.  They aren't sorry.  They just don't know how to communicate within a conflict.  Nothing is going to change WITHIN them, only the outward behaviors and now they are managing you.  The unspoken or "stuffed down" disagreements will create much Mayhem when they and you least expect it.  Anger has a way to make a person do and think some very irrational things that they justify easily.  Anger is a intimacy killer.  Very difficult to "get close" to someone emotionally when you are mad at them all the time.

I have been there.  I am not a counsellor, but I am someone who used defensiveness to my and my 1st marriage's detriment.  I am a Relationship Coach, and I can help.  Contact me shawn@coachingthrough.com.

Shawn

Time Will Tell

"A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it, so it turned against you. Same thing happened to the Blob." - Jerry, in "The Ex-Girlfriend"

New relationships and evolving(or devolving) dating relationships need time.  Why?  They need time to bring to light the hidden things.  Not that everybody is liar or a cheat or harboring some unspoken thing, time brings to light a person's or couple's way of dealing with life.  Life happens and how we react to it says a lot about our character, point of view and values.  If you are looking for matches in how you do life with another, give it time together and you will find out.  

 If I could go back in time and read this blog(that I wrote myself to myself) it would have been to apply this method of giving any relationship more time.  The problem was that I was either too excited or too insecure or a little of both.  Intoxicated by the possibility of reciprocated feelings in someone I clearly had an interest in was sometimes too much.  Why wait when it felt so right, right?  Feeling anxious that a "good one will get away" it was time to act, you know try and close the deal because the opportunity might be lost.  Giving to a relationship going nowhere is not fun and it can really end up hurting a whole lot more than it being over at the beginning.  Trust me I know.


As time passes while you are dating someone allows for patterns to appear.  Patterns are habits, deeply ingrained that each person has that helps them navigate situations.  Job loss, death of a loved one, car breaks down, how they deal with their own family, how they deal with finances, overall direction development, career development are just some of the things that given time, will illustrate patterns.  The mistake many people make is that they "wish them away", when the patterns are unattractive or a bad fit.  Or worse, they think the person will change or can be changed.  How someone relates to their own Mother goes all the way to the bone.  It is a pattern that only changes somewhat if they end up in counselling.  

Another thing about time and pre-marriage/pre-engagement relationships is that they allow you to see just how "into you" they are.  It is important to have the certainty of "strong connection".  Too often, one person or  the other is putting way more of themselves into the relationship than the other.  What you want is a mutual giving.  Now this is a dangerous thought as it can end up in "scorekeeping" which is not good in a marriage.  I do think some scorekeeping is a wise idea in a pre-marriage relationship as a way to assess the relationship.  If you are the type to plan everything, or initiate most or all of the important conversations, or are too available then backing off and keeping your mouth shut will reveal much.  If it is real early in the relationship process and you are wondering if "this is going anywhere", wait.  Working too hard at a relationships sometimes does not allow the other person involved to act or share or speak.  Remember, everybody does not move at the same speed but there should be some movement.

Even the most shy, introverted person will "tip their hand" over time.  If they are really digging you, they will not be able to contain the feelings and the feelings will leak out.  If someone is unsure of you and the relationship, that too will come to light without a direct question.  Sure there is a time for direct questions regarding the depth and nature of relationship, but to be better equipped for that discussion, allow time to do it's thing.  If you are jumpy, anxious or too excited, remember, everybody does not see the world just like you.  Nor does their process and time frame.  Take a deep breath and don't be in a hurry, time will take care of it.

Having trouble sorting out time and your own personal anxiousness?  Talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach

contact me shawn@coachingthrough.com or check out my website www.coachingthrough.com

Shawn

The Passive Single Man

Signs that the guy you may be interested in or the guy you are currently dating is a Passive Single Guy...

Talks a lot about himself, not in an arrogant manner but about all the things he does or has done
Struggles with making decisions, especially in setting up dates and outings(like going out to dinner)
Not willing to try something new(only likes to do things he is familiar with)
Too willing to try something new(probably hates it but won't say a word and just pretend to like it)
Has no close(intimate) friends
When you drop hints as to what you like, he never picks up on it(not tuned in)

Has great difficulty in sharing any depth of what he is feeling especially when it is bad feelings
Never or rarely challenges your treatment of him(more personal not schedule or event conflict)
Is a bad question asker(doesn't draw you out or asks then cuts you off) or doesn't ask a lot of questions

The last three characteristics mentioned above is a way to gauge a guy's ability to create intimacy.
Intimacy(not the sexual kind), is an elusive characteristic in most relationships.  Intimacy takes transparency, courage, responsibility, and initiative.  Creating intimacy means stepping outside yourself
and your agenda/comfort zone and focus your attention on someone.  "Learning Each Other" in a relationship takes giving, listening, sharing and time.  The key to intimacy is trust.  It is earned, practiced and developed over time.

We are not all "finished products" when we meet someone or when we get married.  There are, though, some key elements that are needed.  The Passive Single Man needs to be aware of his own challenges.  You see, the difference between a Passive Single Man and a Man is that a Man faces the challenges of lack of courage, or lack of knowledge of women.  A Man pursues that which he wants.  A Passive Single Man gets stuck in himself.  His awareness is low, his willingness to be open to change is low or non-existent.  He does not want to leave his world because it is easy and safe.  There is no way the Passive Single Man will experience relational intimacy, just a sharing of facts and events.

The Passive Single Man lives in a world of his own creation.  Technology toys capture his attention like shiny objects to toddlers.  Physical expressions like rock climbing, biking, playing sports or just being outdoors getting sweaty can take up lots of time.  Building stuff, fixing cars or whatever occupy his mind.  Creating art, playing music or mastering an instrument absorbs his energy and focus.  None of these are bad but they do get in the way of making time for relationships.

To step out of his world, is to step into the unknown.  More often than not, the Passive Single Man will try to recreate his world in the New World.  He talks about what interests him.  He looks for a woman who will do this stuff with him.   Since he doesn't feel confident or comfortable, he doesn't take risks.  He goes with what he knows which unfortunately for him, most women do not find interesting.  The New World(the one with women in it who want intimacy), can be a threat to his world so why go there anyway if I can't get to do what I like?

Making mistakes and rejection are part of learning to relate to people and most of all women.  It is all trial and error and that is ok.  If you don't try, you don't learn.  The question for the Passive Single Man is...
how bad do you want to experience love/intimacy and friendship for a lifetime?  The proof is your willingness to set aside your safe world for your chance at Love.

Talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach who can help individuals and couples(married or dating) with their Relationships!  Contact me at shawn@coachingthrough.com or check out my website www.coachingthrough.com

Shawn

The Passive Man: Lives in Isolation

"A lot of times, women don't get the male perspective in regards to a relationship, what men go through when they're not really dealing well. "---Morris Chestnut

When we think of the word, Isolation, we can often think to extremes like Tom Hanks in "Castaway".  Quite literally alone, cut off, against his will from people, from those he cares about.  Yet we all know that isolation occurs quite often in families, marriages, and other social situations.  You don't have to be the Unabomber, living in some cabin somewhere to be isolated, nor stranded.  For many people, especially men, they are isolated by choice.  For others, they are isolated by a season of life or circumstances though it tends to run on and on.  Either way, neither are isolated against their will at least not for very long.

The Passive Man often lives in isolation even if he has friends, family, a spouse, and children.  How is that possible?  You can totally be in the same room observing or even somewhat participating without being all there.  How does that work?  From the previous post, you are a manager.  You manage your spouse or girlfriend in a way where there is no real intimacy just pretend because you feel like what you have to say will cause a problem.  Once you go down the path of managing, it is hard to turn it off in other situations and relationships.  It is easier to avoid possible problems(conflict) by pretending but over time it eats you up.

At the core of the Passive Man is a crisis of confidence.  Nothing drives men from social situations than previous failures.  The tension of risking rejection and wanting a intimate(not just sexual but transparent) relationship is quite real.  It doesn't even have to be a social failure it can be a professional failure(real or imagined) that can drive man into passivity.   That caused my isolation as a younger man as I felt I had failed but  could not process that with my then wife.  I could have shared that with a couple of closer guy friends but I didn't because I felt so lousy, I really didn't want to talk about it.  So I hid.  And pretended.  And managed.

Part of the trick to building more self confidence is gaining genuine affirmation from others.  Yes, men need affirmation!  Affirmation has the power to change a way a person thinks about themselves when it is delivered at the right time, about the right thing by the right person(s).  Everybody needs reassurance that they are on the right track or that they are valuable contributors, or that they are just doing something good.

There can be no affirmation if you don't try.   There can be no affirmation without risk.  There can be no affirmation without transparency.  And there can be no affirmation if you live in isolation.

Talk to me, I am a Relationship Coach, I can help because I have been there!  Contact me at shawn@coachingthrough.com or visit my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/.

Shawn

The Passive Man: Struggles with Being Genuine

It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing, or in disbelieving; it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe.

Thomas Paine (1737-1809) English intellectual.

 "This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me" Matthew 15:8

Like I have said before, I was the Passive Man.  One of my skills was the part of not being genuine.  It served me well in potential situations I wanted to avoid like confrontation or speaking my mind when I knew or even thought it would not go over well.  Avoidance of hassle and trouble is at the core of the Passive Man and I had it.  No one likes arguments, and no one likes confrontation but these are necessary to growing a relationship, growing teamwork, and being a leader.  But we also want to be liked, loved and respected, all people do.  How we get there is another matter.  Being passive and not being genuine are not going to get you what you long for.


I am not saying that the Passive Man is a liar...exactly.  It is just that the Passive Man has a very difficult time being transparent with his feelings.  First of all, men are not raised to share negative emotions like sadness.  When was the last time a guy admitted that "I am sad" or "That makes me sad"?  Or another one like "I am scared"?  What you get is "I am mad", "I am angry" or "I am just tired".  You don't get those statements because that would require more talking, more sharing more exposure that a man is not doing very well(failing).  It also means it can open the Passive Man to critique.  You want to really hurt a guy?  Kick him when he is down.  Just when he takes the risk to open up, criticize or be unsympathetic that will shut him down and you won't have to hear that stuff anymore because he ain't going there again because it hurts too much.

When I was much younger and working in a church as a Youth Pastor, my then wife joined me in running a Summer Camp for our Church denomination.  I had done some extended weekend "camps" before but this was bigger and unfamiliar.  I applied what I knew and it didn't turn out very well.  My inexperience showed.  The circumstances would have challenged a more seasoned Youth Leader but I was way in over my head with few answers.  Because my then wife was a part of this camp(one of the counselors), she could hear the feedback.  Plus, as an inexperienced husband, I was having much difficulty balancing spouse and work relations.  So she was none too happy about it either.  So after it was over and we were at home, I opened up to her about how I felt the week went.  She, for her reasons, was unsympathetic.  More like critical and concerned that if I didn't start "doing a better job, I would get fired and then where would we be!".  I was speechless and hurt but was incapable of responding.  I was already hurting.  She had a point but the delivery and timing were unfortunate.  I decided to be more careful "expressing" myself after that. 

"Going underground" with how you really feel is a relationship killer.  Sooner or later it is going to cost you.  It did me as the years passed and this pattern of not being real hurt the relationship to the point of ending it.  Once a guy decides or never learns to "share" his negative feelings he is essentially a manager.  You manage your wife or girlfriend instead of relating, or growing intimacy(the real kind, not the sexual kind).  You manage them by going along with what they say(even if you don't like it), you go out of your way to keep things from getting to a confrontation(exhausting), you are pretending.  You are there but not really.  You don't own what is happening, and resentment, anger and sometime depression sets in.  This is where many men dive into Pornography big time as an escape, as a way to self medicate.  They are not dealing, just trying to find another way to cope.

Some men take years to do this, others cut and run within a year of a marriage or relationship.  Others hone their skills so well that you wouldn't know the difference until it blows up and blow up it will.  If you are a Passive Man, there is help.  Depending on the depth of your passivity I can surely help by listening and guiding you out.  Contact me, Shawn@coachingthrough.com. 

Shawn

The Passive Man: Has No Initiative

My observation is that women are merely waiting for their husbands to assume leadership.
James Dobson

Many men struggle with being passive.  There are all sorts of reasons for this, and I just want to highlight a few characteristics.  How am I familiar with passivity in men?  Because I was at one time quite paralyzed with being passive.  It is not always across the board, meaning that a guy could be quite courageous and initiative oriented in a job or hobby or sport but all that comes to a screeching halt when dealing with relationships with his parents, or his siblings, girlfriend or wife and even his kids.  I held a job that required leadership and initiative that I was pretty good at doing.  The problem was when I came home and had to figure out how to deal with a marital relationship I became quite passive.

I found it nearly impossible to act with initiative because I had no vision or plan or idea of what I wanted my marriage to look like other than it being fun, easy and comfortable.  But relationships are not always fun, easy or comfortable.  I also did not have a clear feeling or idea of what the future looked like.  None of us knows the future, but it is good to make plans anyway, but I had no plan.  So when my then wife started to talk about relational issues or future issues I was at a loss.  I didn't own a vision so hers would have to do.  The problem was it takes conviction to live out a vision.  Since I was not totally on board but borrowing her vision and didn't own it, I didn't act on it.  It wasn't that important to me in the sense of at all being mine which set me up to just react to what she thought. 


Conviction is the belief in what you are doing or want to do or want to accomplish.  There can be no real personal conviction without vision which makes it hard to do anything if you are really unsure as to where you are going.  Passivity comes to life when you just settle for the now.  Leading or participating actively in a relationship has to do with sharing whatever vision you have with your spouse.  Dating relationships that are getting serious have to do with sharing and finding a match or two in your conviction/vision for your life and how you see someone sharing in that.

First things first, you have to bring something to the table yourself.  It seems easier to allow your wife/girlfriend to set the vision because, very generally speaking, women seem to have a stronger, more detailed and thought out vision of what they want their marriage to look like.  They can articulate it better.  When this happens, the vision setting by the wife/girlfriend alone, you as the man have given up ownership of what is going on.  Now you either compliantly and silently go along with the "plan" thinking that you are showing love by making her happy by letting her have her way(a trap and a lie), or you are resentful and becoming embittered because this plan ain't yours and you point that out when you can.
    

The first step in moving out of passivity is to open up the discussion of the vision of your marriage relationship.  That means you need to share your thoughts about what you think is best even if that means she won't like it.  Because without a plan or vision, there can be nothing to own as your own, and if there is no ownership, there is no action.  Too often what happens within a relationship is passed on to the woman, that stuff has to be shared MUTUALLY.  Once you say "that is her thing, this is my thing" you have lost.

The idea of initiative, that being the first one to start something, is very incompatible with being passive.  Initiative takes vision, courage, passion, and confidence.  Being passive takes waiting, reacting and inaction and just plain hoping that it goes away on it's own.   We will explore more of this in later posts.  If you are realizing that you are a passive man, I can help you find your way out, talk to me shawn@coachingthrough.com

Shawn

Obstacles to Meeting Someone...Your Schedule

"A person always makes time for that which is important...to them"--Unknown

Being productive, being busy, having a lot going on, having a full calendar or being a multi-tasker, can be addictive.  The feeling some people get at "accomplishing" many things in a given day, week or whenever can fill them up...to a point.  Sure, there are times in a year, or in life when certain things have to put on hold for some or few all-consuming events, like school, wedding prep, work, personal illness, family drama, job searches and the like.  Events and situations that come up and have to be handled that distract us from other things that we believe are not as important.  We all make choices of that which is important even if we don't believe or feel we in control of the situation we are in. 

There are people who are too busy for relationships.  They have their reasons, which can be good reasons, and they can be self-destructive reasons.  Establishing one's self in a career can be time consuming whether it is putting in extra time at work to "get ahead" or in training like school, licensing, student teaching, internships etc... But all of this is temporary, it is not meant to go on and on.  It is a season of life.  When a season becomes a lifestyle then you just might miss out on some really important stuff. Turning on the "busy switch" is easy.  Turning off the "busy switch" is a bit murky.  You know the saying, "I was climbing the ladder of success only to find that it was leaning up against the wrong wall". 

Another way we can find ourselves too busy for relationships is that we can't say no.  Especially when our family or friends keep asking things of us it makes it hard to say no because we really care and love these people.  Or even if our work keeps putting pressure on us by asking more or if we work in an competitive environment, we are afraid of saying no.  We lose perspective on what we need when we can't say no to events, helping/service or work because we all need time to process.  We lose 5, 6, 7 years and wonder hey, I need a social life!

Still another way to fill our schedule is trying to juggle too many relationships.  It seems strange, but it is true.  The guilt/obligation/resentment cycle that keeps certain "friendships" going for years when their probably not much friendship left in it.  It is also hard to let go and move on from people who move out of your life.  Through no fault of anyone, people get married, or have job opportunities or whatever that takes them out and instead of letting them go, we try to maintain a type of relationship that is distant but becomes time consuming.  Maybe you are type of person who has so many friends that there are invites galore and they are all fun so to appease your friends you do as many as you can.  Exhausting!

In our world today it is harder and harder to meet someone face to face.  It takes a lot of energy, courage, creativity and INTENTION to make that happen.  If you are interested in being married some day, the longer you let time go by being busy, the less opportunities you will have as those you are connected with get married, or move away.  I am not being an alarmist here.  After college, the pool of prospects gets smaller just because people change.  So it takes a lot of intent, you know, you gotta try probably more than you thought you would ever need to meet people.  You are not desperate, you are focused.  There is a difference.  Focus is about knowing what you want and creating opportunities to get to know people to see if they match.  Desperate will take anything and will justify any potential relationship as real and hopeful when it is not or is unhealthy.

The true test of what a person values is how they spend their time.  If they say they want a life long relationship but are not willing to "make the time" or are waiting for it to just happen, then they are not that serious.  As a Relationship Coach I can help you get focused on getting out there and potentially meeting someone you can share the rest of your life with.  Visit my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/ or contact me via email at shawn@coachingthrough.com for a free consultation, what do got to lose?

Shawn

Obstacles to Meeting Someone...the Fear of Failure

"You get within fifteen feet of that woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button."
- Jerry, to George, in "The Parking Garage"

The fear of failure is common to all.  For some of us, it is motivational, we accomplish things in life because we are driven by fear.  We work hard because we fear we will lose our jobs.  We do our school work(well, some us) because we fear not getting into college which means we may not be able to earn a living.  We follow laws because we fear going to jail.  We perform in relationships so that we don't lose the relationship we are in because we are afraid of being alone.  You get the idea.  But when you are unmarried, overcoming the fear of rejection or overcoming the possibility of personal failure in attracting another person is just too much to risk.  Risk is a part of life.  Being unwilling to risk your heart in any relationship is problematic to relating and to being fulfilled.


I was trying to encourage a friend to not spend so much time at home, to encourage them to get out, make plans, be around people.  Their response was "it's safer to stay here"(at home alone).  Obviously, that was a statement of a person who was afraid to be hurt.  No one likes to be hurt.  No one likes to put their heart out there and ask, "do you like me?" only have the answer be "No".  If that is your history, I am sorry.  Maybe for you, getting past the hurt of the past is just too hard.  If you think this is you, then I suggest talking to someone, a professional counselor.  They can help you get past your past. 


For those who are ready to take a step of "faith" in placing themselves in social situations where you could possibily meet someone and cultivate a long term(marriage) relationship, then I have some ideas for ya...


Networking
At some point you need to talk to someone, preferedly a friend or two, whom you trust are sympathetic to your situation and feelings in your attempts to meet a lifelong partner.  If you can't be open to chatting with a friend, then you are stuck before you start.  Remember, this is a step of faith.  No one said it would be easy.  If you have a friend or two who are open to help you, start thinking about who they know that might be of interest to you. 


Cultivating Your Own Opportunities
If you have a few friends who are unmarried, then start planning dinners, and get togethers with them and invite other unmarried people that they may know.  If you can plan a once a month thing, and people start coming, it just adds to the possibilities of meeting someone special.  It beats sitting at home or just hanging out with the same friend or two.l


Set ups
Being open to being set up is hard.  Some will be ok and some will be bad.  Again, it really depends upon who your friends are.  If they "get you" then the set ups have hope.  If it is the well meaning friend but they put no thought into it then it can be awkward. 


Online Dating
Online dating or meeting people has lots of expectations but a lot of loopholes and misinformation.  It can be a helpful tool if you can not get too amped up over someone emailing you and learn how to sift through the misinformation.  In this day and age, it is hard to meet people, and meeting people online is becoming more "normal" and offers many possibilities.  Be careful not to believe everything you see or read.  No really!


Networking and Creating your own events are probably the least painful way to "step out".  The key is stepping out.  Are you open enough to really talk about your "methods" and previous experiences in dating and meeting people?  Another way to help you is by hiring a Relationship Coach like me.  Relationship Coaches help you focus your efforts in way that suits you.  We are the outside, 3rd party who can provide perspective, and provoke new ideas of how to go about this thing.  Check out my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/ and contact me.  It cost nothing to just talk at least once.  What do you have to lose?


Shawn

Obstacles to Meeting Someone...the Imaginary Audience

I was introduced to the idea of the imaginary audience when I was learning to minister to teens.  As I think we can all remember, the sometimes paralyzing feeling of being "judged" by everyone, especially our appearance.  If you go to a High School sporting event, like a basketball game, you see lone teens coming into the gym.  You will notice that they look nervous, uncomfortable in their own skin and paranoid, like everyone is watching their every move.  That is the imaginary audience, that overwhelming feeling of standing out like a sore thumb and being throroughly conviced that everyone sees you and your faults. 

As single or unmarried people it is hard not to feel this way again.  Whether you are at an event with lots of married people or worse, you are with a married couple and one other single person(looks like a set up to me), or even walking into a room(fashionably late) for an event at someone's house with lots of unmarried people, the imaginary audience returns!  It is hard not to feel that way because it is part "social skills" you know, looking appropriate, hair in place, not over dressed or under dressed, sizing up the room, etc...
Too often though, it goes too far to paralysis.  And paralysis leads to sweaty.

How?  Two key factors can turn a social, fun and relaxed event into a sweaty mess.(sweaty is feeling panicky, uncomfortable in your own skin, heart racing, armpits working over time)  The first factor is by putting too much emphasis on the event itself.  The higher the expectations, the worse the effect of the imaginary audience.  If every event with other unmarrieds is your "last chance" at love then you are defeated before you start.  Nothing makes a person more nervous than hoping for too much in a given interaction.  It makes us hyper sensitive to any comment, action or inaction instead of being relaxed and being ourselves.  It is good to be "aware" of interesting people and interactions by slowing down and just be. 

A way to help lower your expectations and hold off the sweaty is factor number two, is that when we are not spending much time in social situations, it can affect our perspective, you know, make us a little too amped up.  This is the classic guy thing.  A guy spends lots of time doing guy things with guys or being alone in his man cave.  When he gets the itch to find someone, it has probably been a long time so he goes to an event and is really nervous about it or puts too much emphasis on the event.  Why?  Because he is not used to very much just plain old normal interaction with women.  The same can be said with women, being around unmarried guys more often can lower your expectation level of what is going to happen.  So I say get out there and meet people, just to meet people.

I can remember when I was going to start going to a singles group at this Church.  I felt very weird because 1.  I had been married before, 2. I was probably one of the oldest 3.  I had not had lots of purely social interaction with women on a regular basis.  So I approached the meetings as reserved, kept to myself, allowed opportunities to come to me for a bit.  Totally not how I really am, but it was necessary at the time for me to become more comfortable.  The problem is most people stay in that "it's not me" phase and don't transition out.  Or they go nuts and are way too much of themselves.  You see, the greatest obstacle to meeting people is...YOU.  We will talk more about it in my next post.

Shawn
I am a Relationship Coach, I know I can help you or one of your friends.  Email me Shawn@coachingthrough.com, lets talk!