It is no secret that when two people get married, the differences become more obvious. There is something about living with another person that you really see who they are, their tendencies, habits and attitudes. Dating someone is wonderful fun because you can just go home to your world again and process. When you are engaged, you are in planning mode, decision making mode with the focus on a very special event your wedding. But when you are married, there is no where to go. The other person is always around which can be good and bad at the same time. Figuring out what is acceptable time apart, doing what with whom is also tricky. So there are many layers to this togetherness, and living in close proximity to one another with many implications.
Over time, though, there can develop separate lives yet still be married. If both work, if one works another stays home, starting a business, or one is finishing school(or starting) can create two worlds. Work, careers, schooling are all related to income and quality of life and certain expectations of what you want out of life. There is no doubt that two worlds are formed when one of the married couples seeks their identity from what they do or earn more than developing as a team. It is the classic case of sacrificing to "get ahead" and sacrificing to be "financially secure". The problem with those goals is that they are so subjective and open ended that no one really knows what being secure and getting ahead looks like. Again, usually one of the couple struggles more with this concept than the other. Rarely, but still possible is that you have two people who feel exactly the same regarding what they do.
Another way that two worlds can be created is when one person doesn't respect what the other person does with their time either in their job or in their free time. No one will really want to talk about their day with their spouse when the "listener" tries to problem solve or correct their spouse. Sharing your day is really important in gaining understanding of your loved one. How THEY felt not how you feel is the topic at the moment. How much they share about their day says a lot too. Details and events are important in that there is transparency and lets the other person into their world even if it is a bit mundane sometimes. When one person doesn't care, or want to listen to the other person's day and their feelings about it then the spouse without the listening ear at home will find it somewhere else. Whether you are staying at home with the kids, or on the road selling or meeting, it is important to be a listener not a nitpicker. This does not mean you can't ask questions. In fact, if no one is asking you questions, they don't care or are distracted or worse afraid to ask.
I only mention the "finding someone else" because it is human nature to be understood. As to how far that goes from sympathetic listener to lover is another matter with many factors. But ask yourself, how many times have you heard stories of people having affairs with people they work with or near? They spend most of their day in close proximity with others who "get" what is going on. If you don't take some interest in your spouse's world, there are other people they can connect with about it. The feeling of "not being understood" says a lot about the nature of the intimacy you are experiencing at home. Maybe it is time to take the risk an ask, "do you feel like I understand where you are coming from?" "do you feel like I am listening to you?". Just a thought. Mayhem is not always very obvious to spot, it creeps into relationships too.
Lastly, what we do with our free time says a lot about the nature of our marriage. Certain hobbies take time and money and are hard to give up or not do as much. There is a balance to find in which you are not made to feel guilty and are not neglecting your marriage. Time spent requires lots of communication and ownership of what is going on. Each spouse is challenged in participating in some events and activities that are not their favorite. Each spouse is challenged to allow for the other spouse to have time away, doing what they like to do. You don't have to understand why they like doing what they do, but as a spouse, you should be supporting those things that make them happy. Like I said, balancing. This requires honest, direct communication as to what each person needs.
Living Separate lives requires a slow slide into different worlds. Unlike defensiveness or criticism which are openly evident, separation within the heart is hidden from view. I know the separate lifestyle because I experienced it. Talk to me I can help. Contact me shawn@coachingthrough.com
Shawn
I just like the picture with the pink headband...
Monday, December 5, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Marital Mayhem: Cutting Criticism
Marie Barone: Who keeps pornography for twenty-nine years?
Frank Barone: Anyone married to you.
From the TV Show "Everybody Loves Raymond"
The tricky thing about criticism is that it can be really helpful or really damaging. Being critical within a marriage relationship is a delicate matter. Why? Because people, individuals, humans, men, women are fragile people even if they act like they don't care. In a long term(life long) relationship you will need to correct your spouse for things that they say, or don't say, things they do and don't do so that they can understand how they are coming off to you and others. We all are a bit delusional when it comes to how we see ourselves and our behavior vs. REALITY. Everyone experiences blindness so we all need help seeing.
My wife lets me know when I am being inappropriate with my words to others. I like to talk and I like to joke around. I have learned to think more before I open my mouth, I have learned to choose my words more carefully because of my wife. I trust her take on me. I need someone to call me on my stuff. I especially need someone who will do it directly(so that it gets my attention) and clearly(so that I don't get defensive). I don't always like it and have to really keep my ears open but I am trying to make that change.
What turns criticism into a attack that is cutting or wounding is when there is lots of background frustration. This frustration in the background can arise from an number of reasons. One is not saying anything about a certain behavior or attitude so that you don't experience conflict. Another reason is unmet expectations that you are so thoroughly convinced that "everybody knows and understands" but your spouse doesn't. Unresolved anger would be another reason for background frustration either because it is unspoken or because you are holding something against your spouse that is well known. Lastly, you are frustrated because you have spelled out how you feel nicely, patiently and directly yet your spouse doesn't value what you said so you boil over with a cutting remark.
Criticism is pointing out a mistake or problem. Marital Mayhem ensues when it is done intensely, and with a personal edge questioning of character and ability. Keep the topic, THE topic. If your spouse isn't listening to you and it is driving you nuts, ask them why. Or ask them if your delivery, timing and/or expectations are an issue with them. If you don't trust each other, then the effectiveness of your direct correction will only cause damage, withdrawal and breed more distrust. Not being able to trust each other with our feelings kills intimacy and pretty soon one of you is looking for a "nicer" person. Remember, not everybody gets to experience this type of relationship and it takes work to create, nurture and protect it. Distrust leads to bad feelings, which leads to bad attitudes which lead to bad actions and words which leads to Mayhem.
I had a marriage in Mayhem so I know what it can be like. It doesn't have to be that way, talk to me
I can help...shawn@coachingthrough.com or visit my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/
Shawn
Frank Barone: Anyone married to you.
From the TV Show "Everybody Loves Raymond"
The tricky thing about criticism is that it can be really helpful or really damaging. Being critical within a marriage relationship is a delicate matter. Why? Because people, individuals, humans, men, women are fragile people even if they act like they don't care. In a long term(life long) relationship you will need to correct your spouse for things that they say, or don't say, things they do and don't do so that they can understand how they are coming off to you and others. We all are a bit delusional when it comes to how we see ourselves and our behavior vs. REALITY. Everyone experiences blindness so we all need help seeing.
My wife lets me know when I am being inappropriate with my words to others. I like to talk and I like to joke around. I have learned to think more before I open my mouth, I have learned to choose my words more carefully because of my wife. I trust her take on me. I need someone to call me on my stuff. I especially need someone who will do it directly(so that it gets my attention) and clearly(so that I don't get defensive). I don't always like it and have to really keep my ears open but I am trying to make that change.
What turns criticism into a attack that is cutting or wounding is when there is lots of background frustration. This frustration in the background can arise from an number of reasons. One is not saying anything about a certain behavior or attitude so that you don't experience conflict. Another reason is unmet expectations that you are so thoroughly convinced that "everybody knows and understands" but your spouse doesn't. Unresolved anger would be another reason for background frustration either because it is unspoken or because you are holding something against your spouse that is well known. Lastly, you are frustrated because you have spelled out how you feel nicely, patiently and directly yet your spouse doesn't value what you said so you boil over with a cutting remark.
Criticism is pointing out a mistake or problem. Marital Mayhem ensues when it is done intensely, and with a personal edge questioning of character and ability. Keep the topic, THE topic. If your spouse isn't listening to you and it is driving you nuts, ask them why. Or ask them if your delivery, timing and/or expectations are an issue with them. If you don't trust each other, then the effectiveness of your direct correction will only cause damage, withdrawal and breed more distrust. Not being able to trust each other with our feelings kills intimacy and pretty soon one of you is looking for a "nicer" person. Remember, not everybody gets to experience this type of relationship and it takes work to create, nurture and protect it. Distrust leads to bad feelings, which leads to bad attitudes which lead to bad actions and words which leads to Mayhem.
I had a marriage in Mayhem so I know what it can be like. It doesn't have to be that way, talk to me
I can help...shawn@coachingthrough.com or visit my website http://www.coachingthrough.com/
Shawn
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Marital Mayhem: Overflowing Anger
For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.--Jesus from Luke 6:46
Ok, the quote I chose is a bit 'preachy' and there is more context to that verse. In saying that, though, when we speak and how we say things does give away what is going within. Let's be honest here, when things are not going well, we usually 'vent' to someone and they get to hear all the anger and frustration going on. Hopefully, they are a sympathetic ear and friend. Sure, there are times in a person's life when things get a bit dark and gloomy and that is their outlook and therefore what you hear them saying. I am not talking about average human behavior here.
Anger happens in marriage, big surprise, master of the obvious, I know. You do have to find ways to express anger toward your spouse, but the problem is, we didn't have very good examples to follow. You take two people, they get married. Most likely, one came from a home where it was loud and expressive and the other from where it was quiet and subdued. Already you have a person who is way too comfortable "blowing up" in any confrontation or discussion that touches them emotionally. Meanwhile, you have another person who is shocked and amazed by such a display because that is not what they saw their parents do and figure that it is normal to hide anger.(remember, we all get stuck in what we think is "normal" to us).
This gaping chasm of difference, all by itself can create Marital Mayhem. When we get locked into our own preset ideas of what confrontation, anger and emotional subject matter looks like as it plays out, then that can kill communication. The loud expressive person can't understand what they are doing wrong and find it hard to hear that they are 'way too intense and angry sounding" to the point that they are scaring the other person. Not listening to another saying..."I don't like talking to you when you get so mad" is problematic. That is a big clue that whatever you are trying to say is not being heard. Also, shutting down because someone is getting "worked up" over a difficult conversation or relational subject matter because it is not being delivered to your "comfort level" makes the other person feel not heard. Mayhem is created by choosing not to hear each other. Intimacy is lost or damaged in the process.
There is no doubt, though that constantly losing your temper or not being able to be in a hard conversation because of your emotional outburst, kills the conversation. What needs to be said, heard and responded to in a coherent manner so that understanding, healing and change can occur, will not happen if almost every time your anger overflows to shouting, stomping, name calling, blaming and general irrationality, then you got Mayhem. Reacting, or overreacting is not listening. Sure your spouse could be bringing up stuff that is totally off-base and not true but it is up to you to help them understand where you are coming from and shouting and slamming things around isn't going to get you there.
There can be no growth of the relationship, no intimacy nor a long term hope that this marriage will last when intimacy is often damaged by an inability to listen calmly, to seek understanding, to communicate your feelings appropriately. In order to be "intimate" you got to hear what the other person is saying and if you can't then your marriage will be Mayhem.
Got an anger problem? It's a problem when those WHO LOVE YOU tell you. Listen, get help from a professional counselor.
Shawn
Ok, the quote I chose is a bit 'preachy' and there is more context to that verse. In saying that, though, when we speak and how we say things does give away what is going within. Let's be honest here, when things are not going well, we usually 'vent' to someone and they get to hear all the anger and frustration going on. Hopefully, they are a sympathetic ear and friend. Sure, there are times in a person's life when things get a bit dark and gloomy and that is their outlook and therefore what you hear them saying. I am not talking about average human behavior here.
Anger happens in marriage, big surprise, master of the obvious, I know. You do have to find ways to express anger toward your spouse, but the problem is, we didn't have very good examples to follow. You take two people, they get married. Most likely, one came from a home where it was loud and expressive and the other from where it was quiet and subdued. Already you have a person who is way too comfortable "blowing up" in any confrontation or discussion that touches them emotionally. Meanwhile, you have another person who is shocked and amazed by such a display because that is not what they saw their parents do and figure that it is normal to hide anger.(remember, we all get stuck in what we think is "normal" to us).
This gaping chasm of difference, all by itself can create Marital Mayhem. When we get locked into our own preset ideas of what confrontation, anger and emotional subject matter looks like as it plays out, then that can kill communication. The loud expressive person can't understand what they are doing wrong and find it hard to hear that they are 'way too intense and angry sounding" to the point that they are scaring the other person. Not listening to another saying..."I don't like talking to you when you get so mad" is problematic. That is a big clue that whatever you are trying to say is not being heard. Also, shutting down because someone is getting "worked up" over a difficult conversation or relational subject matter because it is not being delivered to your "comfort level" makes the other person feel not heard. Mayhem is created by choosing not to hear each other. Intimacy is lost or damaged in the process.
There is no doubt, though that constantly losing your temper or not being able to be in a hard conversation because of your emotional outburst, kills the conversation. What needs to be said, heard and responded to in a coherent manner so that understanding, healing and change can occur, will not happen if almost every time your anger overflows to shouting, stomping, name calling, blaming and general irrationality, then you got Mayhem. Reacting, or overreacting is not listening. Sure your spouse could be bringing up stuff that is totally off-base and not true but it is up to you to help them understand where you are coming from and shouting and slamming things around isn't going to get you there.
There can be no growth of the relationship, no intimacy nor a long term hope that this marriage will last when intimacy is often damaged by an inability to listen calmly, to seek understanding, to communicate your feelings appropriately. In order to be "intimate" you got to hear what the other person is saying and if you can't then your marriage will be Mayhem.
Got an anger problem? It's a problem when those WHO LOVE YOU tell you. Listen, get help from a professional counselor.
Shawn
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)