Meaning, the ever elusive understanding between two people Part 3

“The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.” JK Simmons as Juno's Dad from the Movie Juno

 

I am finally getting to the really good stuff here.  The word Love as used in a relationship between two people carries much weight of expectation, of feelings, and of commitment.  These three elements(there are certainly more) get so jumbled because of the importance of the word Love.  But Love can confuse even the best of us because we as individuals bring so much to the table/baggage with this one word.  So as we proceed, I am limiting myself to the three above aspects of Love.  You may not agree that these belong, and that is your right to think that.

 

Love and expectation, some will say perfect love does not have expectations and I would direct you to read the Bible, specifically,  I Corinthians 13 and the Gospel of John for love without strings attached.  Unfortunately, we are human and we carry a lot of insecurities so with that in mind, we tend to have expectations as to what Love looks like, feels like, etc...  Our expectations are based upon prior experience, I believe.  The significance of your childhood and past relationships impact our expectations.  The elements we hope for when someone says, "I love you" is what we learned about what love is and what love isn't is from those previous experiences.  Comparison is inevitable but not final.  So with that in mind, you take two people and they will have different ideas of love. 

One person has a good childhood experiences and maybe a few good relationship experiences.  The other not so much on the positive childhood experience or later relationships.  Of course, what really messes it up is when you as an individual don't know if your childhood or other relationship were positive or negative.  Or even worse if you think your previous expriences with people loving you were positive when they are infact negative.  So...with two people, the possibilities are endless.  For more on defining receiving and giving love, Gary Chapman's Book, "The 5 Love Languages" is a good one to read on this topic. 

 

Feelings and Love go hand in hand.  We can attach a lot of feeling like the feelings of filling the emptiness or feelings of security, or "I'm not alone anymore".  Reaction to love as purely filling what is missing sets you up for problems down the road.  Sure the person is filling a need...to a point.  Maybe love should be out of the "overflow of the heart" so that it can give too.  People come to love in relationships with the tendency to give/or be needed or the tendency to take/need.  We all need, and we all need to be needed at some point.  The give/take is tricky.  Love gives us the freedom to give/need in moderation.  Obviously trust plays a role here but that is a whole other set of blog posts!  So love can mean to one person the expression of affection, care and otherscenteredness, while the other person could have a focus of security, self-esteem building, and filling of emptiness.  Like I said before, we all have both sides to these tendencies but we tend to emphasize one side or the other.

 

Commitment and Love is probably the most controversial.  Here the meaning of love with commitment is scary to a lot of people.  Some believe love is possible without commitment.  Again two different viewpoints here, especially when it comes to who says "I love you" first.  For some, Love is very conditional, at first signs of trouble they want out.  For others, they have a bit more stamina to keep committed.  "Dropping the L-
bomb" as I like to call it(I sure someone else came up with this) transforms the relationship, in my opinion.  The commitment factor, the uncertain future factor, and again...what does this mean factor come into play like nothing else(except the will you marry me thing).   Some people are ready to give their hearts away quickly and others are more cautious.  A response then of "I love you too" may or may not mean what you think it means.  Some use the word Love often with less weight in a relationship, while others, whenever they hear it reaffirms that all is well. 

 

In a relationship, with love, time will tell... it always does.

 

Shawn

Meaning, the ever elusive understanding between two people Part 2

“Life’s better with company.  Everybody needs a co-pilot.”-George Clooney From the Movie "Up in the Air"

 

Being in a relationship requires some definition.  I didn't say that it had to be all spelled out.  The "what are we?" question begs an answer that defines or narrows the focus of why two people spend time together.  Usually one of the two people involved thinks this but has no complete answer until it is brought up.  What it means to be "in relationship", "seeing someone", "dating", "together" has different meanings to the two people involved. 

 

Basic definition that I am working off here is that 1. this is an exclusive relationship(no seeing someone else in the same manner  2.  that there has been some discussion between the two parties that they are mutually interested in pursuing this relationship.  Man, that sounds like a pre-nup agreement!  Anyway...

The tricky meaning to things really begins.  Let's look at a few features of tricky meanings... Fights/disagreements, Time Management, and Family. 

 

Fights/disagreements are inevitable of course but how they are seen or talked about can be radically different for the two people involved.  One person is more expressive and used to talking about their feelings, maybe oblivious to the fact that they share how they feel, all the time.  The other person is not as expressive and is not as comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings so they don't say much.  One person sees a situation as a fight/confrontation the other sees the same situation as just another conversation.  One person is in their comfort zone of expressing themselves while the other would rather do anything else but express negative feelings(or what they think are negative feelings).

 

Time Management or how time is spent can be defined quite differently too in a relationship.  Some of us pack in as much stuff in a short amount of time, whether it is social, work, or projects around the house.  Some others of us are more deliberate and like events, work, projects spaced out with "down time" in between. (down time is having no obligations and having the time to do nothing)  So a normal weekend schedule of Friday-Dinner & a Movie out, Saturday-Gym time 8am, facebook time10am to noon, Lunch out noon to 2pm, run errands 2pm to 5pm, Dinner at Friends house 6pm to 10pm, and a movie or tv 10pm to 1amish is just another weekend but now you get to do this with your boyfriend/girlfriend.  This person is engerized by this schedule while other person is exhausted because it is way different than what they are used to.  The word time, means to one person what are we doing next, while to the other person, time means no activities planned.

 

Family is by far the most tricky aspect of relationships and the idea of what a family looks like is so multi-faceted.  One person in the relationship spends lots of time with family/parents/sibilings and wants to share that with their significant other.  While the other person may see family as negative eventhough it is not their family and not all families are negative experiences.  The idea of "spending time with the family" can be a real drain to some. 

 

So Fights, time, and family are words with various viewpoints and definitions.  Each viewpoint is valid because each person has their own experiences that make them who they are.  So if you are in a relationship, take the time to "unpack" words and phrases and try to see what they mean to the other person.   Understanding the person you are with can be elusive!

 

 

Meaning, the ever elusive understanding between two people Part 1

"I am not crazy...my mother had me tested"--Sheldon Cooper supersmart supernerd of Big Bang Theory

Crazy is the way we are made to feel sometimes when everything that made sense to us does not register as coherent in the person we like, love or want to be with.  This crazy feeling we get like I am speaking Chinese to someone (I don't know Chinese but they are acting like I am speaking gibberish) confounds us.  It truly makes us feel like we are crazy or that they are crazy.  Either way the problem often lies in the meaning of the words we say.

Everything from "let's have coffee sometime" to "I Love You" has different meanings to different people based upon their life experience/family etc...    The start of a relationship, the 1st invite to something(us old people call it a date) you really have to sort through what means what, if anything.  Many of us get stuck here, thrown into a Tizzy of "what do you think they meant by that", then we act on whatever feeling that overwhelms us.  Some of us charge right in (that's me), others lay low and wait.  At least in the beginning your radar is up trying to discern the meaning because you know that you don't know this person very well.  You are open to a wide range of  meanings.

Some people like to use the "relationship defining talk" RDT when they want to know what is going on or are hopeful that the other person is as interested in the relationship as the other.  Of course you could just makeout too.  Anyway...in the RDT, you can often hear what you want to hear as your brain is flooded with emotion and hope.  The meaning of what is said like "wow, I don't know when we will be able to see each other because our schedules are so different" can be missed.  To one person, seeing each other at all will be thrilling.  To the other person, this commitment is scary.  One sees hopeful, promising time spent getting to know someone, the other, is more "we'll see" uncertainty of "is this a good idea?"  Both meanings are valid.  It is the communication of what a "relationship" or this relationship is what will hopefully be sorted out and talked about later as each person tries to understand where the other is coming from.  It is this piece, of understanding the meaning of the words that the other person uses is key to any relationship.

Think on that if it makes sense to you, I hope it does.  Feel free to comment or ask questions.

thanks for you time,
Shawn

Beginnings

Hello All,

This is my attempt at collecting some thoughts on relationships and sharing them to whomever wants to read them.  It is my belief that it will be a benefit to some to read some of my ideas, thoughts and experiences.  We will cover a wide range of topics and life stage issues for example:  the changing relationship with parents as they age, over 40 and in a relationship now what?, confronting confrontation in marriage relationships.  You see, that is a lot of stuff to cover.  Of Course, there is more, just wait and see.

Shawn